Gilstead & Eldwick matters

Visit Gilstead & Eldwick. Eldwick’s nice - and so is Gilstead - most of it anyway. You can touch but don't look. Broken marriages must be paid for.

[Gilstead & Eldwick matters @GilsteadEldwick]

News:
We're hearing reports of a robbery at the new Charity Shop in Bingley 5 Rise.
Police say an armed gang got away with a Casio calculator watch, a porcelain robin figurine and a Boney M cassette in average condition.

[Gilstead & Eldwick matters @GilsteadEldwick]

There'll be a Starship Forum at St Wilfrid's tomorrow at 2.00 pm.
Agenda:
Do they expect a tip?
Are they allowed to use the NHS?
Can they deliver methodone?
Are they fully sexually operational?
What are their pronouns?
Should they be able to use women's toilets?

[Gilstead & Eldwick matters @GilsteadEldwick]

Suggested special occasion ideas in Keighley?

Valentine's Day: Toby Carvery
Fathers day: Toby Carvery
Birthday: Toby Carvery
Baby shower: Toby Carvery
Christening: Toby Carvery
First date: Toby Carvery
Final date: Toby Carvery
Funeral: Toby Carvery

[Gilstead & Eldwick matters @GilsteadEldwick]

You never see Insulate High Eldwick protestors out on a cold motorway slip-road. You know why? Because they’re all in their nice warm homes, that’s why.

[Gilstead & Eldwick matters @GilsteadEldwick]

Jesus will be headlining the Sunday service at St Wilfred’s tomorrow. Book in advance to guarantee your pew and remember not to park opposite Gilstead Rec. Oh and it’s free wine!

[Gilstead & Eldwick matters @GilsteadEldwick]

How are we enjoying NHS COVID-19 guys?
Wait - this isn’t just any COVID-19, it’s NHS COVID-19

[Gilstead & Eldwick matters @GilsteadEldwick]

Visiting Bingley today and feeling out of place?

Call into Lucky Devil tattoo studio next to Aldi.

Make yourself unique with one of our 3 pre-programned tattoos:

▪️Wings on lower back.

▪️Full Gaelic sleeve.

▪️"Connor 24.6.11 - Mia 13.3.15"

[Gilstead & Eldwick matters @GilsteadEldwick]

Suggested special occasion ideas in Keighley?

Fathers day: Toby Carvery
Birthday: Toby Carvery
Baby shower: Toby Carvery
Christening: Toby Carvery
First date: Toby Carvery
Final date: Toby Carvery
Funeral: Toby Carvery

[Gilstead & Eldwick matters @GilsteadEldwick]

Forgot to bring atoms in which the total number of electrons is not equal to the number of protons?
Travel ions are available at reception - exclusively at the Mecure Bradford Bankfield

[Gilstead & Eldwick matters @GilsteadEldwick]

Fun fact of the day: Marvin Gaye was once banned from Bingley Green Dog walking Club after expressing his love of sexual heeling.

[Gilstead & Eldwick matters @GilsteadEldwick]

Education News: Due to low numeracy levels in Bingley and a lack of engagement in Maths, Mrytle Park Primary School is rebranding core topics:

Geometry=Shapes and shit

Algebra=Letters and shit

Trig=Triangles and shit

Probability=Gambling

Fractions=Dealing

[Gilstead & Eldwick matters @GilsteadEldwick]

Well done to Jim Jacobs from Gilstead who's just been elected as an MEP for the Brexit Party.

Jim's political career really took off 3 weeks ago when he said to his mates in the Star that he could pull off a better Brexit than Theresa May.

Jim has 3 GCSEs & is unemployed.

[Gilstead & Eldwick matters @GilsteadEldwick]

Visit St Wilfrid’s community centre behind the scenes:

Today we are designing this year's Christmas lights.

The design will incorporate over 12 bulbs.

It would take someone nearly 15 minutes to change all these bulbs.

Laid end to end, the bulbs would stretch nearly 45cm!

[Gilstead & Eldwick matters @GilsteadEldwick]

An Eldwick shopkeeper (somewhere near TMT’s) accused of selling out of date products has refused to comment, as she was too busy restocking the Opal Fruits, Jif, marathon bars and massive wagon wheels 🍫

[Gilstead & Eldwick matters @GilsteadEldwick]

A teacher in Priesthorpe Primary School puts a jar full of stones on a table. He asks the class "Is this jar full?"

The students reply "What jar?"

The jar had been stolen.

[SPORT ON TOUR @mjksportsevents]

@EldwickChat @YZ45Bingley Going to be strict this year. My tip is chairs will be on hire. Watch this space.

[Gilstead & Eldwick matters @GilsteadEldwick]

@EldwickChat Gangs of drunken middle aged women causing trouble at BML now risk being confronted by police officers with a terrifying new weapon.

Stupid face glitter removal spray😱

[Gilstead & Eldwick matters @GilsteadEldwick]

Bradford Council to fix duck infestation problem by sending workers to the Agincourt water beds wearing steel toe-capped boots. But who will be footing the bill?

[Gilstead & Eldwick matters @GilsteadEldwick]

Hey kids! Are your parents taking you to Lapland this winter to see Santa Claus? Bad news, Santa doesn't exist. Tell them to bring you to Gilstead and we'll let you play Fortnite