Zak Grant

I do like a good water feature

[Zak Grant @Goddammitzak]

Favorite activities include:

Being able to make dinner just for me

Sauteing all the half onions in the fridge, because onions and oil provide all of your daily nutrients

[Zak Grant @Goddammitzak]

My burden is that I have a daily noon check in because if I'm not certain about my good mornings and afternoons, I'll say "how's it doos it for ya" and that's not right either

[Zak Grant @Goddammitzak]

I worry about days Louise spends at home without me, showing the pets unfiltered Madonna content

[Zak Grant @Goddammitzak]

Dear Abby:

I'm a Corviknight main, and my friend has recently taken to playing Tinkaton. I said I felt offended by his choice, he responded telling me to get good. Abby, how do I "Get Good"?

[Zak Grant @Goddammitzak]

Some pokemon dev's friend told them how their high school disbanded their GSA, and they decided to make that a major plot point in #PokemonViolet

[Zak Grant @Goddammitzak]

Elon Musk will never see those jokes you make, but your friend who simps for the techboys will, and that friend is actually Elon Musk, and Elon Musk certainly sees every tweet mocking him and is ready to ask you why you don't like him so just like him already

[Zak Grant @Goddammitzak]

I get physically insecure sometimes but I must be hot to also be this dumb

[Joey Nolfi @joeynolfi]

Everyone tweeting that Spotify Wrapped called them gay

[Zak Grant @Goddammitzak]

Just once I want to feel the high of wiping billions from the economy

Maybe twice

[Zak Grant @Goddammitzak]

Too little too late maybe, but I don't think anyone verified the constitution in like 250 some years and it's only like 8 bucks so who wants to go halvsies.

[Zak Grant @Goddammitzak]

There's a lot of people jokingly spending eight dollars for a checkmark right now.

That eight dollars should have bought you avocado toast that could trap you in a cycle of poverty, actually

[Zak Grant @Goddammitzak]

Hey Capitalism, you know what else we call consumption?

Tuberculosis

[Zak Grant @Goddammitzak]

"In my movie, all the secretaries will be men

Feminine men

No

Masculine men"

[Zak Grant @Goddammitzak]

No I don't like lifting weights, do you know how heavy they are?

[Zak Grant @Goddammitzak]

@like_lever Four for you fue coco. You go fue coco

[Zak Grant @Goddammitzak]

Do you also regret the last Kamehameha you ever did on the playground as being your last?

[Zak Grant @Goddammitzak]

"I am but flight, your words the wings" me, to the future Mr. Ghost Writer Grant

[Zak Grant @Goddammitzak]

Note: do not label ancient celestial events recently discovered as breaking news. "Breaking" and "the literal sky" are two phrases we will keep separate for future headlines.

[. @laurenthehough]

The queen won’t see your jokes but your friends who are weirdly loyal to a monarchy they learned about from a Netflix show might and they’ll be super sensitive about it

[Zak Grant @Goddammitzak]

There's A HUGE life insurance building (monument?) down the street from my place, and it really makes me think (awful, no good, absolutely dastardly thoughts)