T.J Goetz

day-drinking legend.

[T.J Goetz @Goetz111]

My "soulmate" is one with money and not much longer to live

[T.J Goetz @Goetz111]

I can’t wait for the day that I have to explain my Venmo transactions to a financial planner

[T.J Goetz @Goetz111]

My mother just tried to pinch and zoom on a black-and-white Polaroid

[T.J Goetz @Goetz111]

If you ever think that one person can’t make a difference, try cooking a pangolin for dinner.

[T.J Goetz @Goetz111]

“I’ll have a martini” “Gin or vodka?” “Oh, gin. I only drink vodka in the winter.” 🍸

[❄️ @no_pleasantries]

me: mental health isnt a joke
also me 1000 times a day: im gonna fucking shoot myself straight in the fucking eyeball

[New York Times World @nytimesworld]

“This is the police force we are proud of, the police force we want:" authorities promote Argentine policewoman who breast-fed a hungry, crying baby to soothe him after finding him abandoned. https://t.co/n08fB76dvu

[Fred Guttenberg @fred_guttenberg]

The NRA spent $30,000,000 to elect Trump. Betsy DeVos is using the murder of my daughter to justify a return on that investment. November cannot come soon enough.
#OrangeWaveInNovember

[T.J Goetz @Goetz111]

No idea who @trvisXX was until this @NICKIMINAJ beef... Pull ur 🍆 out for another worthless heir, Travis.

[jaboukie @jaboukie]

fellas is it gay to eat? you telling me i’m supposed to use my fingers (hand penises) to put food into my mouth (face bootyhole)? 😩💀 idk bro sound a lil scrumptious to me 😭😭

[Brooke Harries @brookekrista]

whenever i hear someone say “my therapist said” my ears perk way up. that’s free therapy

[T.J Goetz @Goetz111]

#Mood: Cutting limes for a gin + tonic whilst still drinking your morning coffee

[Pearl Jam @PearlJam]

YES WE ALL CARE. Y-DON’T U.

[Kendall Rae @KendallRaeOnYT]

Wow. Malania Trump actually wore this jacket while boarding her flight to Texas to visit the children being separated from their families and detained at the border....
This is so tone deaf? Even if it wasnt intended to be cruel, why wear it?! The optics do not look good.

[jaboukie @jaboukie]

por que no los dos https://t.co/FTSLUU2wJS

[T.J Goetz @Goetz111]

“The light is coming to give back everything the darkness stole” @ArianaGrande SPOKE THAT INTO EXISTENCE AND SO IT MUST BE 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

[larry the cable skye @_skyeamber]

it’s almost father’s day so a friendly reminder,

you can’t pick your father but you can choose your daddy

[T.J Goetz @Goetz111]

#NotAllRaccoons #MPRRaccoon https://t.co/dek1xSG61J

[jovan @ehjovan]

i cant wait until im married so i can try sex