Gold Rush News

Established in 1848. The only source of news not controlled by the Liberal Media, the Illuminati, or Daniel Radcliffe. Partially influenced by Daniel Radcliffe.

[Gold Rush News @Goldrushfish]

Marketing strategist and national treasure Kylie Jenner discovers there is more out there than what most people can see. https://t.co/dwKNBNRJqb

[Kylie Jenner @KylieJenner]

I thought I realized it all in 2016 **....

[Gold Rush News @Goldrushfish]

Could business mogul and genius, Kylie Jenner find a cure for HIV/AIDS virus if she tried? https://t.co/TrRGJeKyH8

[Gold Rush News @Goldrushfish]

Breaking: Joe Biden's teeth made of "fake ivory" produced in Bangladeshi sweat shop. https://t.co/TrRGJf29yG

[Gold Rush News @Goldrushfish]

Trump: We will begin immediate implementation of my "Stop and Frisk *cough*thepussy*cough* Act"

Paul Ryan: Excuse me?

[Gold Rush News @Goldrushfish]

As well as disaffirming humanity's hypothetical evolution into omnipresent computers with the capacity to manipulate space and time.

[Gold Rush News @Goldrushfish]

The simultaneous plurality and singularity of time challenges the legitimacy of free-will as a fundamental human canon.

[Gold Rush News @Goldrushfish]

Maple syrup exports account for 68% of Canada's GDP.

[Gold Rush News @Goldrushfish]

My favorite parody account on Twitter:

[Gold Rush News @Goldrushfish]

Some moments are so beautiful that one is naturally overwhelmed with the urge to unite an army of fennec foxes and seize New York City.

[Gold Rush News @Goldrushfish]

YEAST IS A LIVING ORGANISM!!!! IT HAS RIGHTS TOO!!!!!!! Goddamn communists...

[Gold Rush News @Goldrushfish]

At one point Hillary Clinton was a sperm. So much for feminism.

[Gold Rush News @Goldrushfish]

Contrary to popular belief, potatoes and small children DO NOT react the same way when buried. Kids need extra fertilizer.

[Gold Rush News @Goldrushfish]

I've decided to quit my job as the head navigator of the Spanish Armada and retire to Idaho where I will bury myself alive FOLLOW UR DREAMZ!

[Gold Rush News @Goldrushfish]

"Call me daddy OH YEAH CALL ME DADDY!!!!"

Rick! Stop yelling into the baby monitor; I just put him to sleep!

[Gold Rush News @Goldrushfish]

"Sir, come pick up your child. It's been two hours since school finished"
Fuck off and chuck it in the dumpster I found a new one in tha pub

[Gold Rush News @Goldrushfish]

It's all fun and games until someone comes down with the Black Plague

[Gold Rush News @Goldrushfish]

I am brutally murdered in front of my family by Lithuanian tribesmen more or less than 16 times a day.

[Gold Rush News @Goldrushfish]

Fanny packs were invented in 2003 by the lead pianist of The Fray in order to hide his uncontrollable noontime erections.

[Gold Rush News @Goldrushfish]

Excuse me! Sir! I think your child is screaming because you haven't thrown it out the window with a stick of dynamite and a chainsaw yet :)

[Gold Rush News @Goldrushfish]

Grand Canyon... More like raging slut bitch prostitute whore AMIRIGHT???