The Halfway Post

Dadaist graffiti news. Halfway true comedy and satire for your doomscrolling by @DashMacIntyre. I don't report the facts, I improve them.

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BREAKING: A reporter just asked Mike Johnson for the first time at a press conference, “Why should we even ask you any questions today when you never read or hear about anything anyway?”

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BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly not talking to JD Vance anymore after the New York Times published the bombshell story reporting how Vance held multiple secret meetings behind his back to advocate for releasing allegations in the Epstein Files that incriminated him.

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BREAKING: Donald Trump reportedly fell asleep today during his daily "Person, woman, man, camera, TV" cognitive test in between "man" and "camera."

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BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly furious with JD Vance for leaking to the New York Times about all the top secret Epstein Files meetings, and Trump is accusing Vance of plotting to force him out of the presidency.

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@JAMESOCny22 My comedy wouldn't work with anyone but Trump cause he's so ridiculous and full of flaws all my outlandish headlines are real sounding.

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BREAKING: Donald Trump reportedly keeps waking up in the Oval Office from his hourly naps yelling, "I did it! The Iranians signed my peace deal! I'm a genius!" before realizing he had only been dreaming.

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@francoantiguo Thanks for the kind words! I have no plans to stop anytime soon 😛

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He's only a genius negotiator in his dreams
https://t.co/pZtbLDGMLF

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BREAKING: Donald Trump’s cabinet members are increasingly unsure how long they should go on complimenting his leadership and genius during cabinet meetings when he’s visibly sleeping.

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BREAKING: Elon Musk just made history as the first person in Jeffrey Epstein's "do-not-invite list" to become a trillionaire.

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BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly beginning to suspect Jared Kushner is not a competent back room negotiator for Middle Eastern peace.

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BREAKING: Undercover agents of the secretive feminist mafia who call themselves "The Clitorati" say their sex sting operations of MAGA influencers have uncovered "a strong correlation between men who make their money cheerleading for Donald Trump and micropenises."

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@BaileyRobinW Not well at all ha

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BREAKING: Top White House officials are reportedly concerned that Donald Trump keeps announcing nonexistent deals with Iran because he falls asleep every 20 minutes and can no longer discern reality from his dreams.

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BREAKING: Todd Blanche is reportedly hoping Republicans don’t ask him in his AG confirmation hearings about the White House meetings he led on how to intentionally mislead and lie to America about the Epstein Files, and cover up Trump’s participation in the raping.

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@TweeterSunset It’s more polite than saying, like every Trump family venture, all the creditors and investors of this project are certain to get screwed over, and the Trumps will walk away with all the money leaving everyone else regretting they ever went into business with them.

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BREAKING: Albanian regulators say Jared and Ivanka's island resort having 10,000 rooms and villas is "ludicrously uneconomical" and "classic Trumpian hubris that will go bankrupt immediately unless its real purpose is facilitating offshore money-laundering for the Epstein class."

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@Brendar1975 It would be interesting to see some soldiers refuse based on the fact that this war has been going on for over 60 days (and by some accounts for a year given Trump first started bombing Iran last summer) and Congress hasn't authorized it.

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BREAKING: The soldiers preparing to deploy to Kharg Island are reportedly distributing homemade uniform patches that say "Epstein Corps" and "In pedophiles we trust" because Trump's invasion is a distraction from new reporting that his staffers covered up his Epstein complicity.

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BREAKING: Stephen Miller reportedly has mixed feelings about the birth of his 4th child because, while he's happy to have another kid, he's a little worried that his wife is slimming down again and becoming a smaller human shield for him.

[The Halfway Post @HalfwayPost]

@damo_war Someone needs to make these for real ha