Harry Potters

The Boy Who Lived Too Long. Now just pottering about. An affectionate parody by @PaulRigbywrites - NSFW (Not Safe For Wizards)

[Harry Potters @Harry_Potters_]

Chapter 1

“That’s a nasty scar you’ve got there!”
Harry smiled and said nothing. He’d been collecting his pension at the same counter in the same post office every fortnight for the past eight and a half years and every single time, Mrs Wainsprite had said the exact same thing.

[Paul Rigby @PaulRigbywrites]

If modern readers are getting agitated about Roald Dahl, what will they make of this section of my book ‘Noah No One and the Night of the Weredrobes’?

[Paul Rigby @PaulRigbywrites]

For anyone struggling through this pre-Xmas week, I’ve written a little poem (thread). Hope you like it…
(illustration by the brilliant @itsnotaboutwork)

The Christmas Lurgy

‘Tis the night before Christmas
And all through the town
Everyone’s yawning
And snuggling down…

.

[Harry Potters @Harry_Potters_]

“We’d better get to sleep,” said Ron, “Or Santa won’t come!”
“Seriously?” said Harry. “A magical old man with a long white beard? Who would ever believe in that?”

[Harry Potters @Harry_Potters_]

“Do you remember that lady who made millions of children around the world happy with her stories about our lives?” asked Ron.
“Oh, I think she was cancelled,” said Hermione.
“So do we still exist?” asked Ron.
“Of course!” smiled Harry. “After all, she’s only the writer . .”

[Harry Potters @Harry_Potters_]

“Do you think He Who Shall Not Be Named will be at the reunion?” asked Ron, nervously.
“You mean . . . Lord Voldemort?” said Harry, shaking slightly.
“No,” said Ron. “Jeff from accounts...”

[Harry Potters @Harry_Potters_]

“A reunion?” said Harry, “I suppose that means I’ll need to get a new cardigan.”
“Bloody hell!” said Ron. As usual.

[People @people]

See the First Look Teaser for the Star-Studded Harry Potter Reunion Special, Return to Hogwarts https://t.co/EQBAkHLZbk

[Harry Potters @Harry_Potters_]

“But Santa still needs our help!” cried Ron.
“Really?” said Harry. “What does he need our help for exactly? To deliver a load of ridiculously overpriced games consoles to undeserving brats on Christmas Eve or to eradicate global hunger?”
“Er…the first one?” said Ron, sheepishly.

[Harry Potters @Harry_Potters_]

Harry Potters: An Old Wizard’s Christmas Tale

Harry leant hard against the door. Although he’d been trapped in there for weeks without food, he knew that somehow he had to summon up the strength to escape.
“Alright?” said Ron, opening the door. “Got stuck in your shed again?”

[Harry Potters @Harry_Potters_]

Ron shrugged sadly. Harry had a point. No one believed in wizards any more. Not even Donald Trump.

[Harry Potters @Harry_Potters_]

“What’s this strange, magical place that makes me feel oddly emotional?” asked Ron.
“It’s the John Lewis Christmas ad,” said Harry.

[Harry Potters @Harry_Potters_]

Harry was surprised to see four new residents in the care home.
“Who are they?” he asked the nurse.
“ABBA,” she replied.

[Harry Potters @Harry_Potters_]

Harry pointed his wand.
For the third time that night.
It’s one of those things you get used to when you’re getting on a bit….

[Harry Potters @Harry_Potters_]

After all these years, Harry was shocked to find out that Muggle actually stood for Mothers U Gotta Go Lick Enthusiastically

[Harry Potters @Harry_Potters_]

Harry gazed sadly through the frosty window pane. Hugwigs Retirement Home was nice enough but he missed his allotment - sewing his seeds, tending his newborn plants and sitting in his shed with a bottle of Butterwhisky, leafing through the latest issue of Wizards’ Wives.

[Harry Potters @Harry_Potters_]

Chapter 1

“That’s a nasty scar you’ve got there!”
Harry smiled and said nothing. He’d been collecting his pension at the same counter in the same post office every fortnight for the past eight and a half years and every single time, Mrs Wainsprite had said the exact same thing.

[Harry Potters @Harry_Potters_]

“What is that?” asked Harry.
“Well,” said the doctor. “It doesn’t look good but it’s quietly heroic.”

[Harry Potters @Harry_Potters_]

“What do you call that feeling that your life is repeating over and over again?” asked Ron.
“ITV2,” said Harry.