Shit My Friends Say

A collection of things to have come out of the mouths of some of my friends.

[Shit My Friends Say @HeardThisOne]

Tip to reduce weight: First turn your head to the left and then to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered food.

[Shit My Friends Say @HeardThisOne]

Dear Mr. Undercover Police Car, I like your 5 extra antennas.

[Shit My Friends Say @HeardThisOne]

My girlfriend called me and told me that we are just not working out. So, I did what any man would do and bought us a gym membership.

[Shit My Friends Say @HeardThisOne]

Dear winter, I'm breaking up with you. It's not me, it's you. You make me miserable. I think its time we start seeing other seasons.

[Shit My Friends Say @HeardThisOne]

Stress: The confusion created when the mind must override the desire to choke the living shit out of some idiot who desperately deserves it.

[Shit My Friends Say @HeardThisOne]

I think I'm going to take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.

[Shit My Friends Say @HeardThisOne]

Note to self: The smoke alarm should not be used as a food timer while cooking dinner.

[Shit My Friends Say @HeardThisOne]

Do I turn left, when nothing is right? Or do I turn right, when there's nothing left?

[Shit My Friends Say @HeardThisOne]

To people who order salads at McDonald's: Let's be honest. That's like going to a strip club for a hug.

[Shit My Friends Say @HeardThisOne]

The weather outside is frightful. Hot sex sounds so delightful and when there's no one else you know... Text a ho! Text a ho! Text a ho.

[Shit My Friends Say @HeardThisOne]

I was about to beat up a toddler until i saw everyone's cartoon Facebook pics and i got an overwhelming urge to stop.

[Shit My Friends Say @HeardThisOne]

dumberist | The dumberist thing you've ever heard http://t.co/yVCsKnR

[Shit My Friends Say @HeardThisOne]

‎"North Korea attacks South Korea" Bad News: World War III in the making.. Good News: New Call Of Duty in the making.

[Shit My Friends Say @HeardThisOne]

If the pilgrims killed a cat instead of a turkey, we'd all be eating pussy for Thanksgiving.

[Shit My Friends Say @HeardThisOne]

Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance . Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair . Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage . Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy

[Shit My Friends Say @HeardThisOne]

Facebook is like jail. You sit around and waste time, you write on walls and you get poked by people you don't even know.

[Shit My Friends Say @HeardThisOne]

Definition of pointless: Jobless people on Facebook updating their status to "Thank god its Friday".

[Shit My Friends Say @HeardThisOne]

How do I feel about gun control? Break into my house and find out.

[Shit My Friends Say @HeardThisOne]

If you don't have "ME" in your life, everything is just "AWESO".

[Shit My Friends Say @HeardThisOne]

The guy in front of me at the store was buying a pregnancy test. I bet that was the one time in his life he wishes she sent him for tampons.