Alan Roberts

People say I'm funny. But looks aren't everything.

[The Onion @TheOnion]

Weighted Blanket Sure To Succeed Where CBD, Salt Lamp, Oil Diffuser, Acupressure Mat, Bath Bombs, And White Noise Machine Failed https://t.co/0hmNkn512N

[Alan Roberts @Hearmuff]

@MollyJongFast Someone send them "Four Hours at the Capitol" on DVD. (On second thought, VHS.)

[Alan Roberts @Hearmuff]

@chrissteinplays That's just his family.

[Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien]

If you want to avoid seeing your family this Thanksgiving, be sure to book a flight on American or Southwest.

[Alan Roberts @Hearmuff]

@richardmarx Look at all the white people…

[Alan Roberts @Hearmuff]

Jellyfish know what's up. https://t.co/OND0tIAppk

[Alan Roberts @Hearmuff]

@chrissteinplays The King of Manhattan Island

[Alan Roberts @Hearmuff]

Hey ⁦@abcnews⁩, didn't know babies could be delivered that way. https://t.co/CyTGUHACrl

[Poli Alert ⚖️ @polialertcom]

On brand.

[Alan Roberts @Hearmuff]

@SlackjawHumor @KellyAShanley ❤️

[Alan Roberts @Hearmuff]

@GrammarGirl @Grammargirl I'm an excellent proofreader and copy editor. Let me know if I can ever be of service! (Love your site and posts.)

[Alan Roberts @Hearmuff]

@missjuliebrown Safest place in the U.S., Julie! Just bring proof of vaccination and you're good to go! New York welcomes you!

[Alan Roberts @Hearmuff]

@Virtualhuman10 He's white, he's male, he's ugly.

[Alan Roberts @Hearmuff]

@MysterySolvent Jockey. Not the brand, an actual jockey.

[Alan Roberts @Hearmuff]

@NancySinatra And he never punched down.

[Alan Roberts @Hearmuff]

@richardmarx Watch @HBO’s “Four Hours at the Capitol”

[Richard Marx @richardmarx]

For every MAGA asshole traitor who says “it was a tourist visit,” watch this and then go fuck yourself.

[Reductress @Reductress]

Man Two Minutes Into Question With Still No Question in Sight: https://t.co/o4nBAGt5gs