The Helpful Cactus

Simple, helpful advice and facts to improve your life.

[The Helpful Cactus @Helpful_Cactus]

I can’t believe I’ve peed on myself again.

[The Helpful Cactus @Helpful_Cactus]

The reindeer beside Comet is named Cubit.

Cupid is that fat little baby that comes out on Valentine’s Day.

[The Helpful Cactus @Helpful_Cactus]

If you say “the reason being is…”, you are henceforth banished from the English language and doomed to keep your food hole zipped shut for the rest of your sorry existence. I dare you to utter another word of complete nonsense within miles of my listening ears.

[The Helpful Cactus @Helpful_Cactus]

I think my state government is trying to castrate me.

[The Helpful Cactus @Helpful_Cactus]

The Grinch is a movie about pedophillia and jaundice.

[The Helpful Cactus @Helpful_Cactus]

This is the banner I fly over my home.

[The Helpful Cactus @Helpful_Cactus]

I want an Allegiant Airlines credit card and this jacket. Then I’ll be happy.

[The Helpful Cactus @Helpful_Cactus]

Wrestling is pretty much what gays do—half naked…all twisted up with another man for sport….

[The Helpful Cactus @Helpful_Cactus]

People in Chicago are either murdering or getting murdered. That’s what it is. If you’re a Chicag, you’re having something to do with murder.

[The Helpful Cactus @Helpful_Cactus]

Bag soup is hit or miss.

[The Helpful Cactus @Helpful_Cactus]

It’s like a rave, except it’s daylight and I’m in my front yard.

[The Helpful Cactus @Helpful_Cactus]

Your local county fair is Dollywood for meth heads.

[The Helpful Cactus @Helpful_Cactus]

When you’re bowling, make sure the ball doesn’t go in the gooch.

[The Helpful Cactus @Helpful_Cactus]

If you piss for long time, that means you have a big water tank onboard.

onboard your body…

big body water tank boy.

[The Helpful Cactus @Helpful_Cactus]

There’s a WHOLE MEATLOAF in the trash can.

Someone had a whole LOAF of just PURE MEAT and actually THREW it AWAY.

DAG IT BRIAN.

[The Helpful Cactus @Helpful_Cactus]

Disclaimer for all those sensitive
dog-people… 🥴

When I say I’ll shoot it, what I mean is:
I will shoot the dog in the face and kill it dead.

[The Helpful Cactus @Helpful_Cactus]

I might start a new game called: If your dog jumps on me, I shoot it. If your dog won’t shut up, I shoot it.

[The Helpful Cactus @Helpful_Cactus]

No one wants parking lot hibachi.

Is hibachi Japanese?

Also, what do you call it when you put someone’s head in a toilet?

Oh yes. Give the Japanese a swirly.

[The Helpful Cactus @Helpful_Cactus]

Denny and Bob Evans are just two guys trying to make breakfast. Let them be.

[The Helpful Cactus @Helpful_Cactus]

Stolen Land