Daniel

Poco Tweet, Mucho Retweet

[Daniel @Heydan91]

Where are you, Dan?
-Here
What time is it?
-Now
What are you?
-This moment

[Amiri King @AmiriKing]

My toddler loves Monsters Inc. especially Mike Wazowski.

Yesterday I was in Walmart and came across this cool t-shirt.

I immediately bought it, put it on in the car, and rushed home to show my toddler.

I hunted her down as soon as I came through the door.

She was sitting on the couch watching Hogi and eating Goldfish crackers.

I said, ‘Libby check out my cool new shirt!’

I was beaming. I just knew she was gonna think my shirt was the coolest shit ever.

She looked at me, looked at my shirt, scoffed, and yelled, ‘GO AWAY!’

Listen.

I don’t think we talk enough about what huge pieces of shit toddlers are.

That’s literally my TV you are watching.
I paid for those Goldfish crackers.
That’s my fucking couch.

I bought this cool t-shirt ONLY because of you.

And this is your response you f#ggot piece of sh!t??

You are wearing a shirt with a turtle on it that says, ‘Turtley Adorable’ you fuck!ng idiot.

You are broke.
Homeless.
Have poor life skills.
You can’t even fucking speak English.

You are basically a Somali immigrant only brighter in complexion and with much less forehead mass.

I’ll wipe my ass with this shirt.

Fuck this shirt.

Bitch nigga.

Your mom is fat.

[Hemant Mohapatra @MohapatraHemant]

The curse of discipline is that every day looks the same. The curse of indiscipline is that every year does.

[wokeandwoofing @wokeandwoofing]

In the event of nuclear war, most people will not be killed in the initial blast, but will actually die shortly after because of limited access to gender affirming care.

[Little Kevin 5, cpa @pootsobotka]

Said retards, instead of regards on an email

[Daniel @Heydan91]

@edufeiok @infobae @CavalloVale @danielhadad Igual no te toca propina, mesero detestable

[Rhevolver @Rhevolver]

Yo dándole like a todos los tuits donde se burlan de Argentina

[Hater Report @HaterReport]

Sex is good but have you ever scrolled through twitter after an Argentina loss

[chaotic memes @memechaotic]

I wanna know where albert is with life rn.

[princesa monobloke @_azulah]

Hoy puse en el pizarrón "alumnos sin aura" y fui anotando a los que no trabajaban y al toque se convirtió en un oasis de paz síganme para más tips sobre manejo de grupos

[Ramin Nasibov @RaminNasibov]

Logo for Polar Bar

[l feII in Dior @LIRIO_AG]

“Ay no, tarjeta gris otra vez”.

[bob @Farmerbobyellow]

a gay bully: "gimme your brunch money"

[Nαтe Blαncнeтт @NateBlanchett]

I am a huge fan of Laura Dern but I truly think she is miscast as Epstein here

[Elias @fcb_elias1]

This edit is sending me 😭

[Micha @ElMichalito]

*Tarjeta de crédito rechazada*

El veterinario con mi perro recién operado:

[Dr. Clown, PhD @DrClownPhD]

I laughed way too hard at some of them 😂

[juggler @juggler972]

Top 5 tweets ever

[Daniel @Heydan91]

@chuu_Ivrr Underrated tweet

[Daniel @Heydan91]

🎉¡Acepta mi invitación y obtén obsequios!👇
https://t.co/eVmlnSbYLs