Quality Jokes

High quality daily tweets of funny, sick, rude, stupid and clever jokes. Determined to provide the best jokes on Twitter.

[Quality Jokes @HiQualityJokes]

I had a job interview this morning. The guy said to me "You'll get 25K a year,after 2 years you'll get 30K" I said "Your maths is shit mate"

[Quality Jokes @HiQualityJokes]

My daughter and I share very different views when it comes to sex... I see the back of her head, she sees the mattress.

[Quality Jokes @HiQualityJokes]

I hate spiders. Those little fuckers can make my girlfriend scream louder than I can.

[Quality Jokes @HiQualityJokes]

What has 24 windows, each with chocolate behind them?... Adeles house.

[Quality Jokes @HiQualityJokes]

Why did the hobbit turn his phone on silent? He was Bored of the Rings

[Quality Jokes @HiQualityJokes]

I recently lost all of the money I had raised on a sponsored bungee jump... I left it in my pocket.

[Quality Jokes @HiQualityJokes]

My advent calender is much better than the Mayan calendar! It goes past 21st December and has chocolates in it.

[Quality Jokes @HiQualityJokes]

It looks like the music industry is winning the war against piracy. By putting out music so bad, no one wants it, not even for free.

[Quality Jokes @HiQualityJokes]

80% of people have used condoms.... Filthy bastards, I throw mine away.

[Quality Jokes @HiQualityJokes]

Big up all the beautiful women who don't need to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.

[Quality Jokes @HiQualityJokes]

If you love someone, let them go.... If they come back with the police, you had better let the others go too.

[Quality Jokes @HiQualityJokes]

After 5 years with my girlfriend, i decided it was time to tie the knot.... Hopefully the gag stays on and i can finally get some peace.

[Quality Jokes @HiQualityJokes]

There's a stomach bug going round. It's all over the papers... Because I shat myself in the newsagent's.

[Quality Jokes @HiQualityJokes]

My wife says she hates me when I'm drunk. Which makes us even as I hate her when I'm sober.

[Quality Jokes @HiQualityJokes]

Just bought some extra strong mints. Can't get the fuckers out of the packet.

[Quality Jokes @HiQualityJokes]

1 in 10 mates are hated by the other 9. I can't wait to find out who it is when the boys come back from their lads' holiday.

[Quality Jokes @HiQualityJokes]

My wife's leaving me because of my uncontrollable OCD. "Close the door 14 times on your way out" I said.

[Quality Jokes @HiQualityJokes]

I was absolutely fuming when I found a big dildo in my sisters room.... I hate it when she borrows my stuff.

[Quality Jokes @HiQualityJokes]

In bed last night my wife said, "I wish you'd do something to heat things up between us under the covers." So I farted.

[Quality Jokes @HiQualityJokes]

Mitt Romney spent $800m on not becoming president of the USA. I spent 65p and got the same result, except I have a Mars Bar.