Hoppy Wesley

“A hero or hooligan. Well, that part's never clear.” Amateur screenwriter. Amateur novelist. Professional amateur.

[Hoppy Wesley @HoppyWesley]

Bro could power the entire Eastern seaboard with how much static electricity he’s gotta be building up.

[smol silly cat @Catsillyness]

He has hobbies

[Hoppy Wesley @HoppyWesley]

Skubal to Dodgers, the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand of next year’s baseball season.

[Hoppy Wesley @HoppyWesley]

Cattage-core

[Hoppy Wesley @HoppyWesley]

@SabrinaAnnLynn Hello, Sabrina! Though maybe it might be more accurate to start by saying hello to the person who handles your social media. If that’s the case, I should probably just go ahead and save everybody some time and say this is another one of those “confession of love” kinda messages. So, with that being said, I’ll understand if you read no further and simply cast this post back into the cold, dark void of the mentions tab. With that time saved, take an early lunch. You deserve it, social media person! You work too hard! Does Sabrina pay you enough? She probably does. She seems like she would.

But, if by some stroke of luck (or, more likely, some kind of administrative error) this message somehow does find its way to Sabrina, then- You know what, I’ll just restart.

Hello, Sabrina! I wanted to say hello cuz, aside from, obviously, you being stunningly gorgeous (the freckles alone, sheeeesh), I think you’re so freaking funny and you just seem so impossibly cool. And I just kinda want to shoot my shot and say I would really like to chat and get to know you sometime. I know this is the antithesis of playing hard to get, as I hear you like your boys, but I AM wildly incompetent, so hey!

Admittedly, I noticed you at first because you were pretty… back when my sister showed me something of you and I was like “Wait, the girl who was Girl-Shawn on Girl Meets World?” 😹 But when I actually watched your performances/interviews/etc I ended up falling for you because of your personality. I love comedy, as a wannabe comedy writer, and I can honestly say that very very few people make me laugh like you do. The physical comedy, the sight gags, the line deliveries are always so perfect.

And you seem so nice, and sweet, and amazing. You know Kermit the Frog, and that’s pretty cool. It’s obvious that everybody you work with holds you in such high regard, and it’s so awesome how you have non-industry friends you do so much with.

So it was after kind of seeing the person that you are that I went from “wow, she’s attractive” to “whoa, I think I’m, like, feeling things for her.” I get little high school crush butterflies when I see a performance/interview and you seem to be having such a good time. That smile… Your LAUGH makes me melt. The little hops and skips you do to get across the stage. You just have this sweet, romantic vibe that is so alluring.

So yeah… I told my sister this silly crush would be so much less embarrassing if I had it for the wrong reasons, but sadly I got all attracted to your personality like a freaking nerd.

And it’s all so very silly of me, a nobody stuck in middle-of-nowhere Missouri, to have a crush on the hottest (both by industry clout AND attractiveness) star right now. You’re the entertainment industry’s absolute it-girl and I’m not even the coolest guy at the sandwich shop I work at.

But here’s the thing: I truly believe we’d get along really well. And so I’d really love the chance to just chat and get to know you. Maybe it never makes it out of the DMs, but it would still be cool to be friends. I just have a feeling that we’d mesh, even if we are wildly different in lifestyle. You’re a chic fashionista socialite, wearing designer clothes to fancy parties. I look like a Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater create-a-skater and assume the Met Gala is, like, probably a baseball thing.

But hey! We could be like Lana and that gator wrangler guy! I mean, without all the cool gator wrangling, cuz that’s not really a skill I possess. Actually, you know what, now that I’m thinking about it I feel like a large portion of that relationship might be based on the gator wrangling. So maybe disregard this part.

One major point I have on my side is that I always get your jokes! Well, at least when I see them before they have to be deleted and replaced with a post saying, “Well that didn’t go over well.” But we can absolutely bond over being no strangers to the failed bit, as my mom and sister can unfortunately attest to.

And oh! If we ever did talk, I’m totally cool staying completely hidden to help you keep your private life private. I so get that. To paraphrase a song I think I heard once, nobody even has to know that you’re with me. You could just hide me in a belltower like Quasimodo. I’m cool with that! I’d make it work! I wouldn’t even WANT to go to the carnival, no matter what the gargoyles- okay I think this analogy is getting away from me, but you get the point. I’m totally okay staying hidden until stan-Twitter pieces some clues together and haaaaates me cuz you could do so much better. And, honestly, yeah, valid. But that is a cross I’d gladly bear to get to know you! 😹

And if you want to do your due diligence and stalk me first, my Insta is HoppyWesley. I barely post on Twitter and so looking through here it seems mine has become just an embarrassing graveyard of old sports team retweets. Not cool, not sexy, and also featuring a dig at the Eagles that is especially damning given present company.

But, yeah, I’ll mercifully wrap up this novel I wrote here. Had to get Twitter Premium for this. What a world. So, the TLDR version is you’re absolutely amazing, you give me heart palpitations, and I’d love to get to know you. If you ever feel any small inkling to chat, feel free to hit me up here, on Insta, MySpace, LinkedIn, the Jeremy Renner app, whatever.

And you know what? A girl like you talking to a nobody like me would honestly be a great bit. The people still won’t get it, of course. You’ll be lambasted on social media and probably have to issue a public apology of some sort. But that’s the fun of it, right?

If you actually read this, dang, I feel so honored. Even if we never talk, I just want you to know that you’re so beautiful, and so funny, cute, adorable, gorgeous, witty, sweet… pretty much a limitless list of glowing superlatives. You’re amazing, and if nothing else I just want you to know there’s some random guy out there in Missouri who thinks the world of you. 💖

[Hoppy Wesley @HoppyWesley]

Wasn’t gonna do Grunge Hoppy this year but it would seem that Grunge Hoppy is… inevitable.

[Hoppy Wesley @HoppyWesley]

Enjoying #Daredevil Born Again?

[Hoppy Wesley @HoppyWesley]

¡Three Amigos!
(There is also a fourth amigo, my dad, taking the pic, but “¡Three Amigos and a Fourth Amigo Just Off Camera!” wasn’t as punchy of a caption)

[Hoppy Wesley @HoppyWesley]

Yeah, yeah, sure, we’re all just laughing our heads off at the name of the laundry company. Look, sometimes a guy has to self service and that’s okay. It’s natural and beautiful.

[Hoppy Wesley @HoppyWesley]

Taking Halloween seriously this year. Well, like I do every year. 🎃

[Hoppy Wesley @HoppyWesley]

Both @TheHives and @SabrinaAnnLynn have new albums coming out on Friday, making it an extremely exciting day for the exactly one (1) weirdo in the middle of THAT Venn diagram (me).

[Hoppy Wesley @HoppyWesley]

The man. The myth. The beaver.

[Hoppy Wesley @HoppyWesley]

What a strange path I’m taking through life. But has it been rewarding? Not especially. But has it been fun? Um, not really. But would I change a thing? Of course no- Wait, why do you ask? Do you know like a genie or something? If you know a genie you legally have to tell me!

[Hoppy Wesley @HoppyWesley]

Turn up the Nirvana. Being way too long between haircuts has me hella in my grunge era.

[Hoppy Wesley @HoppyWesley]

@MLB Happy birthday, Nado! I’m glad you’re still a cardinal!

[Hoppy Wesley @HoppyWesley]

@NebsGoodTakes Aim for the bushes.

[Hoppy Wesley @HoppyWesley]

@lambclover

[Hoppy Wesley @HoppyWesley]

@NC_Renic “No, those are examples of colons. You all get F’s.”

[Hoppy Wesley @HoppyWesley]

Me heading into the living room for #Severance Thursday. @BenStiller

[Hoppy Wesley @HoppyWesley]

@RivalsAssembled PS5!

[Hoppy Wesley @HoppyWesley]

Man, and he was so good in “Trap.”

[Underdog NBA @UnderdogNBA]

Josh Hart (neck) listed probable Tuesday.