Sam Smith

Take one dad, add a pinch of humour and bake for 40 minutes.

No, don't do that, I'll die. Seriously.

[Sam Smith @HumourDad]

@daddysdigest @FongPink

To safeguard our future, we must act in our present. For the sake of all humankind, do the right thing.
https://t.co/TGlVKaHHRu

[Sam Smith @HumourDad]

@mattcoyney @KimKardashian I think we all know who the real winner here is.

[Sam Smith @HumourDad]

@Morrisons

Bag for life? Bag for 10 minutes, more like...

[Rachael Caulton @Rachaelcaultonm]

Just read the poem The Swimming Pool by Samuel Smith. Best part of my day by far. @HereComesEvery1 @bigcomfybooks

[Sam Smith @HumourDad]

Still holding out for the episode of Waffle the Wonder Dog where the little shit gets severely maimed after running in front of a car and the Brooklyn-Bells have to finish the cunt off with a brick.

[Sam Smith @HumourDad]

Just realised the last word should have said 'growling'.

[Sam Smith @HumourDad]

#WriTweet A second-rate Sherlock Holmes ekes out a career in the unforgiving Norfolk landscape, aided by his very own Dr. Watson, a part-time dentist. He's attempting to solve the disappearance of show dogs from a local dog hotel, and the number of suspects is growing...

[Sam Smith @HumourDad]

One way of disposing of nappies... https://t.co/kJJKdvGKtC

[Sam Smith @HumourDad]

Is it just me, or does this sound like a worryingly effective laxative?

[Sam Smith @HumourDad]

@ThePeakyBlinder

I can't be the first one to notice this, surely?

(Before anyone states the obvious, I realise Polly is their aunt not their mum, but the comparison still stands...)

[Sam Smith @HumourDad]

@MichaelRosenYes

https://t.co/bOGtj6iaNm

Your move, Rosen...

[Sam Smith @HumourDad]

@mattcoyney Stopped reading after the words, 'I believe'.

Fuckwit.

[Sam Smith @HumourDad]

Just posted a photo https://t.co/5HVCsNERfC

[Sam Smith @HumourDad]

Good times at @blackpoolzoo ... https://t.co/U8vOBdANja

[Sam Smith @HumourDad]

@TheRealGruffalo

My completely and totally honest review of The Gruffalo...

https://t.co/32MGAsNDn2

[Sam Smith @HumourDad]

Interesting set-up in B&M. When you've had a night on the booze, you can take a good long look at yourself in the mirror... https://t.co/zVJ2IkTJR3

[Sam Smith @HumourDad]

@law_ender @adrianbdwalker @andraydomise @jengerson @christapeterso I'm sorry that you chose to interpret it in that way.

[Sam Smith @HumourDad]

@law_ender @adrianbdwalker @andraydomise @jengerson @christapeterso There's got to be something seriously wrong if you're making a conscious decision to buy someone else's used underwear. Exploiting that for financial gain seems to me, in a way, just as fucked up. Two wrongs don't make a right and all that...

[Sam Smith @HumourDad]

@law_ender @adrianbdwalker @andraydomise @jengerson @christapeterso Potentially exploiting people with mental illnesses, all good here.

[Sam Smith @HumourDad]

@BeccCobain https://t.co/FQRzWQZ5Gc

[Sam Smith @HumourDad]

@thedad Jeff 2: The Jeffening.