sleepy husband

there is a brief period each morning where, like clockwork, my husband says a shit ton of gibberish. i tweet it verbatim.

[sleepy husband @HusbandSleepy]

i am full of ass gas. i am a lizard.

[sleepy husband @HusbandSleepy]

think about where the word ‘clean’ came from

[sleepy husband @HusbandSleepy]

freaking wrinkly-ass nuts. nobody wants them. walnuts.

[sleepy husband @HusbandSleepy]

i ate the walnuts of my enemies

[sleepy husband @HusbandSleepy]

call me jockstrap josephine

[sleepy husband @HusbandSleepy]

i think jesus and santa are basically the same person.

[sleepy husband @HusbandSleepy]

i’ve never touched so much lint at the same time

[sleepy husband @HusbandSleepy]

i have the combined brainpower of a rat

[sleepy husband @HusbandSleepy]

call me the lettuce man

[sleepy husband @HusbandSleepy]

i feel like a chilly merman

[sleepy husband @HusbandSleepy]

i have a sloppy worm

[sleepy husband @HusbandSleepy]

bada bing bada boom. choop choop.

[sleepy husband @HusbandSleepy]

*farts* points go to the frog.

[sleepy husband @HusbandSleepy]

i replaced my hair with garbage.

[sleepy husband @HusbandSleepy]

call me a bag

[sleepy husband @HusbandSleepy]

i’m gravity-fed

[sleepy husband @HusbandSleepy]

i give great photography advice, yeah?

[sleepy husband @HusbandSleepy]

you know what i dreamt my name was? salted gomez.

[sleepy husband @HusbandSleepy]

stop squiggling! you’re squiggling all over me.

[sleepy husband @HusbandSleepy]

can you bring me….a branch….of budadubbuddubbudadbud