Ian Sutherland

[Ian Sutherland @IanSutherland94]

That awkward moment you're the model for premature ejaculation

[Ian Sutherland @IanSutherland94]

@_sophiejhutch I take offence

[Jermain Defoe OBE @IAmJermainDefoe]

🔜 @RangersFC

[Jermain Defoe OBE @IAmJermainDefoe]

Let’s bring that trophy home, boss... 🙏🏼🏆

[Ian Sutherland @IanSutherland94]

@Washhousemcr do you have any spaces this friday/saturday?

[Owen Jones @owenjonesjourno]

Theresa May is taking this well https://t.co/DbEtvvqnK5

[Adrenalin @adrenalindenver]

*watching James Blunt mouth "not you" to me after singing You're Beautiful in concert*

[Ian Sutherland @IanSutherland94]

@MicroGaz @RangersFC @celticfc @ThistleTweet @JamTarts @AberdeenFC @St_Johnstone_FC YES. sorry ive not been on twitter but definite definite mate

[Stormzy @stormzy]

This is not my after party. You fucking idiots. Don't use my name you pussyholes. No one go here please. DEAD CLUB. https://t.co/8WWFXU9R5r

[Peter Lovenkrands @lovenkrands11]

Can't believe I got my own statue at the Cristiano Ronaldo International Airport #VeryHonoured 🤣🤣🤣🤣 https://t.co/KewOP2pDVb

[huntigula @huntigula]

Babe, look up
*plane starts to sky-write* P R O
"OMG Prom?!"
B I O T I C S
"What the?"
Your bowel movements have been super irregular lately

[Todd 'Papi' Carlos @TheToddWilliams]

LADY: My cat won't stop mewling

ME: It's okay, I'm a cat whisperer

LADY: Oh, great

ME {whispering to cat}: shut the hell up

[Ed Miliband @Ed_Miliband]

The 1950s called and asked for their headline back.#everydaysexism https://t.co/s1W1XfhrhN

[elijah daniel @elijahdaniel]

"they're pretty religious so try to behave yourself please"

me:

[rob elliott @rockymomax]

[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what's your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here

[Bob Vulfov @bobvulfov]

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

[Tommytoughstuff @Tommytoughstuff]

[The Fate of the Furious]
THE ROCK: We create our own fate.
VIN DIESEL: I make the car noises even though I don't have to.

[Brandon the Cow @Brampersandon_]

COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: is it because you're in love with me
COP: No
ME: what other reason could there be

[Tony Hawk @tonyhawk]

TSA agent (checking my ID): "Hawk, like that skateboarder Tony Hawk!"
Me: exactly
Her: "Cool, I wonder what he's up to these days"
Me: this

[rob elliott @rockymomax]

[watching movie]
ME: this is ghostbusters
HER: ok
ME: those are ghosts
HER: I know
ME: *whispers* they're gonna get busted soon