Patch Lambert

Does not deal in absolutes

[Patch Lambert @ItsPatchLambert]

@WhyChrisBrain We had outdated Woman's Day magazines. I learnt so much about the love life of the 1995 stars of Shortland Streets while waiting for the doctor to tell me I'm faking it to get a day off school

[Patch Lambert @ItsPatchLambert]

Would you rather fight 1000 Elon Musks Penis-sized horses or 1000 horse-sized Elon Musk penises

[Patch Lambert @ItsPatchLambert]

RIP Wellington trampolines

[Patch Lambert @ItsPatchLambert]

Taking it slow going into roundabouts cause I never know how much people are planning to commit to the "round" part

[Patch Lambert @ItsPatchLambert]

90 percent of parenting is telling your kid what is and isn't a breakfast food and then eating a piece of cake the second they walk through the school gate

[Patch Lambert @ItsPatchLambert]

"ahh should've got milk"

- me at 10pm on Sunday after already going to the supermarket twice this weekend

[Patch Lambert @ItsPatchLambert]

"would you like to print your receipt?"

"No"

"Okay here's your receipt that we've printed"

[Patch Lambert @ItsPatchLambert]

Spent the night in hospital because of Covid. They needed a urine sample and after the test the absolute gem of a nurse said "your wees looks good. You've got good looking wees."

So really just taking this opportunity to brag about a much needed self esteem boost.

[Patch Lambert @ItsPatchLambert]

God has 100 percent been leaving everyone's prayers on `Seen'

[Patch Lambert @ItsPatchLambert]

"hey guys just a quick memo that it's business as usual back at the office on Monday"
- your boss when the nukes start falling

[Patch Lambert @ItsPatchLambert]

Is there a lost property box at the police station filled with tents now

[WhyChrisBrain @WhyChrisBrain]

BREAKING: Russell Coutts to skipper Jason Kerrison's ark at the next America's Cup.

[Patch Lambert @ItsPatchLambert]

Genuine question do the police roster who gets a shield

Or is it case by case basis

"David you got shit thrown at you so you can have a shield tomorrow... No the shield won't come back if you do a spinny throw. Anyone pretending to be the cap gets a 3 week shield ban"

[Patch Lambert @ItsPatchLambert]

They ride in single file to hide their numbers

[Patch Lambert @ItsPatchLambert]

I feel like everyone in Wellington not part of the protest should be allowed at least one free parking or minor law infringement

[Patch Lambert @ItsPatchLambert]

In just one week this show be live at Cavern Club as part of the Wellington Fringe Festival. It's utter nonsense and I am so proud of it.

[Patch Lambert @ItsPatchLambert]

On the tag of my cap it says "I used to be a bottle!" Okay settle the fuck down Optimus we were all something else once - like I used to have a hairline and now your job is to act as a toupee without the stigma

[Patch Lambert @ItsPatchLambert]

@Wright_Now make sure you've got no reception on your cell phone either!

[Patch Lambert @ItsPatchLambert]

"good day for a kayak"

Someone in NZ, probably