Jackie Hoffman

kidding

[Jackie Hoffman @JackieHoffman16]

I’m going to a Briss this morning and I’m STILL traumatized by the one I saw in 1997

[Jackie Hoffman @JackieHoffman16]

Just curious; how many of you do the self tape anyway even though you know you have no chance in hell of booking it

[Jackie Hoffman @JackieHoffman16]

The president is trotting out incredible American heroes but he is being super awkward and I kind of feel bad for them

[Jackie Hoffman @JackieHoffman16]

Are you still supposed to sign the back of a credit card? Is that done anymore?

[Jackie Hoffman @JackieHoffman16]

A young Venezuelan mother survived for 32 hours under rubble with her 18 month old infant. And I cry if I have to do lunges

[Jackie Hoffman @JackieHoffman16]

I like the X-Ray blanket at the dentist. It’s like that weighted blanket they give dogs for anxiety

[Jackie Hoffman @JackieHoffman16]

When you’re about to descend into the subway and feel drops on your head…and it’s not raining #NYC

[Jackie Hoffman @JackieHoffman16]

Reflecting pool=comedians dream

[Jackie Hoffman @JackieHoffman16]

Is every business experiencing high caller volume and have they all changed their menu?

[Jackie Hoffman @JackieHoffman16]

I don’t drive because I have limited vision. And unlimited fear.

[Jackie Hoffman @JackieHoffman16]

Playing the part of a judge and my lines were so confusing, I actually had to read the script! There’s a first time for everything
#Cupertino

[Jackie Hoffman @JackieHoffman16]

I’m happily married. My husband is a different story

[Jackie Hoffman @JackieHoffman16]

I packed every medication known to mankind for a business trip to Europe and I know that when I’m away I’ll get the one ailment that none of those medications fix

[Jackie Hoffman @JackieHoffman16]

I had to cough up a Lougee and coughed into what I thought was a tissue, but it was an eyeglass cleaning cloth. I threw it away.

[Jackie Hoffman @JackieHoffman16]

My husband is out of town. Who’s gonna tell me I don’t look fat?

[Jackie Hoffman @JackieHoffman16]

I’ve been listening to Music all day, but it was on hold music

[Jackie Hoffman @JackieHoffman16]

I’m actually nervous about the feelings that will come up with the last Colbert

[Jackie Hoffman @JackieHoffman16]

I refuse to believe that Sage @customerservice is a Bot. She’s a person with real feelings!

[Jackie Hoffman @JackieHoffman16]

Have they blamed Hantavirus on the Jews yet?

[Jackie Hoffman @JackieHoffman16]

I’ve gained so much weight that I need a bunch of guys to stuff me into my clothes like they do with Japanese people in the subway