John Jackson

I'm the capricorn your astrologer warned you about.

[John Jackson @Jackson5711]

Maybe Congress should send a "five things" email.

[John Jackson @Jackson5711]

My favorite part about watching my 6yo sleep is that he isn't awake

[John Jackson @Jackson5711]

Many people wish they had a 2nd chance. If you ever wanted to serve your country but couldn't because "you'd punch anyone who got in your face" great news, they've raised the age limit.

[John Jackson @Jackson5711]

The only winter weather activity I enjoy is watching "Ice Road Truckers".

"You gotta put snow chains on AGAIN? That sucks, bro" as I take another sip of coffee.

[John Jackson @Jackson5711]

It turns out that Im not actually a fan of folgers, but rather a fan of coffee mate.

[John Jackson @Jackson5711]

I've been out of the rap game too long. TIL that Bad Bunny and Danielle Brigoli (Bhad Bhabie) aren't the same person.

It's not racist; it's homophonic.

[John Jackson @Jackson5711]

Why pay for a hotel when I can live in your head rent-free?

[John Jackson @Jackson5711]

I just want my AI chat bot companion to be ready to do some gangster shit.

[John Jackson @Jackson5711]

Serrano better win this in 8 rounds, otherwise Jake Paul is fuuuucked.

[John Jackson @Jackson5711]

I feel like my job is essentially to keep the local populace from winning a Darwin Award.

[John Jackson @Jackson5711]

First of all it's "The Accountant: Squared"

[John Jackson @Jackson5711]

Today I witnessed my two boys using #teamwork to beat their dad in a pillow fight.

Let's hope this doesn't end with me getting Menendez'd.

[John Jackson @Jackson5711]

@laurenboebert I'm positive you'll make a fantastic intern!

[John Jackson @Jackson5711]

@LadysMom65 hey, hot stuff!

[John Jackson @Jackson5711]

I made a joke about marijuana at work. I received an ICE complaint addressing my professionalism.

I understand that making jokes about marijuana could eventually lead to making jokes about other controlled substances.

A gateway joke if you will.

[John Jackson @Jackson5711]

@JIsotoner sorry for your loss.

[John Jackson @Jackson5711]

Not to spoil the eclipse for y'all but Bella chooses Edward.

[John Jackson @Jackson5711]

“If you don’t like what I do, but watch everything I’m doing, you’re still a fan."

[John Jackson @Jackson5711]

I'm just saying that if he'd waited until Monday we'd have the day off.