Jake Cary

Books, wrestling, puns, punks

[Jake Cary @JakeCary]

My job has started listing the suicide hotline number at the end of our company newsletters. We're hiring as fuck btw.

[Jake Cary @JakeCary]

Monty Python's Ministry of Silly Walks but it's me in my room trying to avoid amps and stuffed animals.

[Jake Cary @JakeCary]

Big ups to whatever dog publicist locked down 'doggie style' seeing as that's how like every animal fucks.

[Jake Cary @JakeCary]

Sitting in a dead vehicle between the highway and the on-ramp was a drag w/o an anxiety attack so I guess I'll try adding an anxiety attack?

[Jake Cary @JakeCary]

@ethanchase69 Yeah man these meme fights have not been very fun. I feel like a boomer 'oh yeah everybody gets a trophy wahhh.'

[Jake Cary @JakeCary]

@RefAubrey Tweets you can hear

[Jake Cary @JakeCary]

The thing is I can't write 'hang up whiteboard' on a whiteboard until I hang up a whiteboard and I'm pretty sure that's the plot of Metal Gear Solid 3

[Jake Cary @JakeCary]

Buy me a thesaurus so I know it's...uh...

[Jake Cary @JakeCary]

Wrote a song about Infinite Jest

[Jake Cary @JakeCary]

@deadlycamille Oh my god this is outstanding

[Jake Cary @JakeCary]

@ReadersThought1 This is a wild thing to say but the last 300 pages really fly by.

[Jake Cary @JakeCary]

I spent seven months reading Infinite Jest and all I got was fucking JACKED

[Jake Cary @JakeCary]

Okay yeah I haven't run in a month but do you know how fucking heavy 30 racks are?

[Jake Cary @JakeCary]

@ReadersThought1 Hey I'm just seeing this but how it going?

[Jake Cary @JakeCary]

Haha roommates you're crazy, nah that's the same empty garlic bread bag you saw in the garbage on Tuesday and also on Monday and twice on Saturday.

[Jake Cary @JakeCary]

Are there like Lasik apprentices?

[Jake Cary @JakeCary]

Remember that thing in the CKY videos where they would throw handfuls of flour on their friends when they were asleep? Lol man I miss snowballing all my friends at sleepovers.

[Jake Cary @JakeCary]

If the Sublime guy smoked as much pot as he does in all his songs he'd be dead.

[Jake Cary @JakeCary]

Ced Landrum, seen here moments after activating a trip mine between 2nd and 3rd. #cubs #donruss

[Jake Cary @JakeCary]

The Ataris changing Grateful Dead to Black Flag in The Boys of Summer: