Jake Kranz

I am Jake, and Jake means me.

[Jake Kranz @JakeIsntFunny]

The problem with Scooby Doo being a Great Dane is that, by comparison, all of the others are just Pretty Good Danes.

[Jake Kranz @JakeIsntFunny]

Where do I see myself in five years? I just hope to have gotten ONE good night's sleep during that time.

[Jake Kranz @JakeIsntFunny]

In a survey of gamblers who have recently lost a bet, 100% said they wished they had bet on the other team.

[Jake Kranz @JakeIsntFunny]

We only hated Thanos because of his one weird trick.

[Jake Kranz @JakeIsntFunny]

Ugh. Today I don't really want to work or bang on de drum all day.

[Jake Kranz @JakeIsntFunny]

I'm starting to think that you can't trust the players on the field to tell you which team a flag is against, you guys....

[Jake Kranz @JakeIsntFunny]

Sometimes I feel like a nut, but other times I'll still eat an Almond Joy.

[Jake Kranz @JakeIsntFunny]

@zucko @EyesOnTheRight @KevinMKruse Liberals like Karl Rove? They don't, actually. They really, really don't.

[Jake Kranz @JakeIsntFunny]

I'm on record as having never liked whiskey. A friend said "you have to decant it," and poured it into a big glass bottle. So I recanted.

[Jake Kranz @JakeIsntFunny]

Me, once a week: "I invented a new game with the dog! She HATES it! Watch!"

[Jake Kranz @JakeIsntFunny]

Life hack: An easy way to jump start your antique car collection is to buy a brand new car right after you are born and store it until you turn 25.

[Jake Kranz @JakeIsntFunny]

Birdwatcher sounds so creepy. Can't I just be a birdseer?

[Jake Kranz @JakeIsntFunny]

My favorite thing about seeing a new commercial I really like is thinking "I can't wait to see this a thousand times and wind up hating it!"

[Jake Kranz @JakeIsntFunny]

A voice over the loudspeaker at the airport told me not to accept guidance from persons I don't know, but I didn't know her sooooooo

[Jake Kranz @JakeIsntFunny]

The bad news: I'll never be Twitter famous.
The good news: who would want to be now?

[Jake Kranz @JakeIsntFunny]

Friday is Festivus, and we don't get off work??? These grievances air themselves!

[Jake Kranz @JakeIsntFunny]

Real ones know it goes from God to Jerry to Kent to the cleaners.

Dang, meant Real Genius ones....

[Jake Kranz @JakeIsntFunny]

If you can't slice the cranberry, I don't want any.

[Jake Kranz @JakeIsntFunny]

Whenever anyone tells me to relax, I think "oh, did Frankie tell you that?"

[Jake Kranz @JakeIsntFunny]

Sure, the ability to clone oneself would be great, but not for self-loathers.

Can you imagine inventing this amazing technology, and then the guy won't even hang out with you?

[Jake Kranz @JakeIsntFunny]

Wouldn't Bantam and Robin have made a lot more sense?