j alen grant

I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I am joking.

[j alen grant @Jalangrant]

@Exotic_Goddess0 @Lilah_Vale She is a 9

[🇨🇦 Smokey 🇨🇦 @420iloveweed]

When I was a kid you could go into a convenience store with $1 and come out with 2 cokes, a few chocolate bars, a bag of chips, and a comic book.

Nowadays everyone has video surveillance.

[Tony P. @Tbone7219]

Before the microwave was invented we had this thing at my moms house called "going to bed hungry."

[Tony P. @Tbone7219]

I miss the simpler times when bipolar was just called batshit crazy.

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

How come all other Disney animal characters can talk but Pluto can’t?

Because dogs can't talk… that would be Goofy.

[💙𝕮𝖍𝖗𝖎𝖘: 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘕𝘶𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘊𝘰𝘸𝘣𝘰𝘺💙 @HacksawIs]

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

[The B. @anerdonfire2]

That gym just didn't appreciate how good an overweight 50 year old looks in tight spandex.

[Tony P. @Tbone7219]

My weather app growing up was where I got up off my ass and looked out the window.

[Toby 🇵🇸 @tobestewart]

It’s cold. The lumps in my chest turned out to be my testicles

[Tony P. @Tbone7219]

If I ever get rich, the first thing I'm going to buy is a pot to piss in. I've always wanted one of those.

[Tony P. @Tbone7219]

You would be amazed how cheap Christmas trees are at Lowe’s when you own a red vest and a pickup truck

[Tony P. @Tbone7219]

On my 21st birthday I got drunk off Zima and threw up in the front seat of my lowered Escort GT on the way to a New Kids On The Block concert ….. There was no Twitter back then, so I'm telling you guys now.

[Tony P. @Tbone7219]

Took some ZzzQuil last night and woke up 10 miles from home behind an Arby’s dumpster on a discarded mattress.

[Tony P. @Tbone7219]

I sang Def Leppard’s “Gunter gleiben glauchen globe” to my daughter and now she thinks I’m possessed.

[K Squared @thatdentaldude]

Sorry I broke into your house at age 15, to dial a sex line.

[Uncle Bob 🍩 @UncleBob56]

Turns out that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow was just an old bed pan.

[Brantley Blaze @BrantleyBlazeXO]

Face down booty up 😍 RT if that's how you like it too 😉

[Uncle Bob 🍩 @UncleBob56]

How do you guys get your selfies developed so fast? I can't even find the film in my phone.