James Gamble🧙‍♂️

(∩｀-´)⊃━☆.*･｡

[James Gamble🧙‍♂️ @jamesdotgamble]

It's weird how families randomly pick seats at the dinner table once and then stick to them for life.

[James Gamble🧙‍♂️ @jamesdotgamble]

How did "the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog" become the typical sentence that contains all letters of the alphabet, and not "sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow," which is objectively a million times cooler?

[James Gamble🧙‍♂️ @jamesdotgamble]

My emotional support animal is a rotisserie chicken from Costco.

[James Gamble🧙‍♂️ @jamesdotgamble]

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like we can't do this and everything is all wrong?

Me: *sobbing* There's some good in this world, Mister Frodo, and it's worth fighting for.

Therapist: *also sobbing* Yes...

[James Gamble🧙‍♂️ @jamesdotgamble]

I highly recommend letting people know you're capable of madness every now and then. Especially when you're the quiet, soft-spoken type. Sometimes disrespect needs to be met with disrespect. Let them know you can go from 0 to Thanos real quick.

[James Gamble🧙‍♂️ @jamesdotgamble]

I feel bad for that monkey, but I kinda need to focus on myself right now.

[James Gamble🧙‍♂️ @jamesdotgamble]

Fact of the Day: More than 3 years ago, the famous Roman emperor Julius Caesar passed away.

[James Gamble🧙‍♂️ @jamesdotgamble]

Parenting is 50% teaching your child that they can always trust you, and 50% looking them dead in the eye and saying they can't watch Paw Patrol because "the TV is broken until tomorrow."

[James Gamble🧙‍♂️ @jamesdotgamble]

Ordering grapefruit juice in public is a power move because it strongly implies you're not on any psychiatric medication.

[James Gamble🧙‍♂️ @jamesdotgamble]

Do you think the guy who coined the term 'one hit wonder' ever came up with any other popular phrases?

[James Gamble🧙‍♂️ @jamesdotgamble]

Each decade is defined by a zoo monkey. In 2016, there was Harambe, who cursed us with 10 years of bad fortune. And now there is Punch, who will bless us with 10 years of good fortune.

[James Gamble🧙‍♂️ @jamesdotgamble]

My 5-year-old asked, "Daddy, why do individuals fabricate juvenile utterances for social media dissemination? Is it not fundamentally duplicitous and symptomatic of a deficiency in autonomous narrative construction?"

[James Gamble🧙‍♂️ @jamesdotgamble]

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices, there's always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies.

[James Gamble🧙‍♂️ @jamesdotgamble]

After watching the Winter Olympics, I've decided swimming lacks life-or-death stakes. Starting with the Summer Games in Los Angeles in 2028, we should add a shark to the pool.

[James Gamble🧙‍♂️ @jamesdotgamble]

One of the easiest ways to tell whether a book is good is to take a quick look at the cover.

[James Gamble🧙‍♂️ @jamesdotgamble]

Watching ancient Rome videos and all I can think about is some guy getting absolutely livid, then having to walk across Italy for months in sandals just to yell at someone. I can't even stay mad through lunch.

[James Gamble🧙‍♂️ @jamesdotgamble]

Sometimes the green sauce is spicier than the red, despite being the color of medicine or soothing jungle foliage. There is simply no adequate way to account for this.

[James Gamble🧙‍♂️ @jamesdotgamble]

Cars these days have too many gadgets. The other day, I put my car into reverse, and the screen played a video of somebody's car hitting a mailbox.

[James Gamble🧙‍♂️ @jamesdotgamble]

I’m sorry I’m late. I sat on my bed in a towel for 45 minutes, staring at the wall.

[James Gamble🧙‍♂️ @jamesdotgamble]

Every other Olympics should be hosted in the southern hemisphere so we can watch the Summer Games in the Winter, and the Winter Games in the summer.