jared.jareds

I want a quesadilla.

[jared.jareds @Jared_Wait]

“Tough crowd” is what I always say when I make a joke about my dad and he’s the only other person in the room.

[jared.jareds @Jared_Wait]

Sorry I haven’t been talking much. I’m resting my voice for my big performance tomorrow. *officiating my sisters wedding*

[jared.jareds @Jared_Wait]

Alright I’ll say it: I’ve never watched Star Wars and the only way I would, is if you held a gun to my head.

[jared.jareds @Jared_Wait]

Philly better watch out, I’m coming for that cheesesteak.

[jared.jareds @Jared_Wait]

I’ve thought about it and I’m not saying this to brag, but I have to be the funniest person my dad knows.

[jared.jareds @Jared_Wait]

What is it in my brain that makes me think I can beat every wipeout obstacle?

[carter hambley @carterhambley]

when twins arent identical im like ok then what was the point of all that

[jared.jareds @Jared_Wait]

I found an old year book from middle school today. And let me tell you, that mother fucker should be illegal.

[jared.jareds @Jared_Wait]

@sarahschauer No

[jared.jareds @Jared_Wait]

You’re telling me to chose one of these clowns?

[jared.jareds @Jared_Wait]

Knowing that bears can open doors so easily, keeps me awake at night. Just sayin.

[Rink @stinkyrink]

It's gotta feel insanely good to be a cow and let out a huge moo

[Dana Schwartz - on hiatus @DanaSchwartzzz]

IDK my parents have never shot anyone

[manu @manooehlax]

Gas is $1.79. I’m gonna put some in the freezer

[jared.jareds @Jared_Wait]

Just a crackhead, who’s to scared to try crack.

[jared.jareds @Jared_Wait]

Life update: I did it 😈

[jared.jareds @Jared_Wait]

How do you move out of your parents house and steal the one blanket that is everyone’s favorite? ....asking for a friend

[Kent Roth 🇺🇸 @KentenRoth]

I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.

[jared.jareds @Jared_Wait]

Are Jetpacks real?

[jared.jareds @Jared_Wait]

You know, for a guy who has a favorite kind of toothpaste, I sure have a hard time remembering which kind it is when staring at the wall of 8 million fuckin toothpastes in Walmart...