Jason Morris

[Jason Morris @JasonPMorris]

Them: "Shaving your beard will help prevent you from getting Covid-19."
Me: "Then I'll see you in Valhalla."

[Jason Morris @JasonPMorris]

Me (sitting by stinky dude on bus): <COUGH COUGH COUGH> "Sorry. Must not be used to this climate. Just got back from China."
Stinky dude: gets up and moves

Success

[Jason Morris @JasonPMorris]

Absolutely no one:

My carb-starved brain on keto:

[Jason Morris @JasonPMorris]

Two weeks of keto. My body is screaming at me for cake. My body is stupid. Shut the fuck up, body.

[Jason Morris @JasonPMorris]

I can't deny it any more. I do believe @rickygervais is my spirit animal.

[Jason Morris @JasonPMorris]

@geoffjohns I know you're busy and it's been pitched at some point, but can we get a Blue Beetle/Booster Gold on small or large screen? So many great possibilities.

[Jason Morris @JasonPMorris]

@kateesackhoff can't wait 😃😃😃

[Jason Morris @JasonPMorris]

I don't know who needs to hear this, but if your name is Kaleb, you can fuck right off.

[Jason Morris @JasonPMorris]

@RandyRainbow Morris 2020: Stop licking your own vagina.

[Jason Morris @JasonPMorris]

Me (to household cat licking her own vagina) "Hey. Stop that"
Cat: (stops and looks at me)
Me: "Aw hell. I probably would too."
Cat: ...
Me: "But you'd probably scratch me."

[Jason Morris @JasonPMorris]

@JewelStaite awwww

[Jason Morris @JasonPMorris]

@senatemajldr No, Mitch. That is not what they said. Maybe if you weren't so busy shoving through those judges you'd have paid attention.

[Jason Morris @JasonPMorris]

@mechagwonamguy @HamillHimself I bet ya a dollar it is. And it's for Crisis.

[Jason Morris @JasonPMorris]

@HamillHimself They pulled you into Crisis, huh? 😉

[Jason Morris @JasonPMorris]

@TitusNation @DevinNunes

[Jason Morris @JasonPMorris]

@thegoodgodabove so what's up with the platypus? What were you on that day? #AskGod

[Jason Morris @JasonPMorris]

If you walk around telling people you're an alpha male and wear shirts at the gym that say alpha male on them, I have some bad news for you.

You're not.

[Jason Morris @JasonPMorris]

@TitusNation @Tesla Hell if @elonmusk can spot me about 5 grand, I'll happily pimp his truck all over the place. I could really use it for medical bills.

[Jason Morris @JasonPMorris]

@TitusNation @RepAdamSchiff @DanCrenshawTX is an arrogant butthole. I respect his military service and career, but his political career has been utterly gross.

[Jason Morris @JasonPMorris]

@TitusNation We're exactly who we've always been but have been in denial of for the past century