Jesus Christ

I'm finally back! But I'm lazy so only on twitter. Follow me and you'll go to heaven. #YOLT

[Jesus Christ @JesusTwitering]

Remember that time you crucified me...

[Jesus Christ @JesusTwitering]

What is this sorcery?

[Jesus Christ @JesusTwitering]

New Years Resolution: Forgive Judas.

Just kidding LOL

[Jesus Christ @JesusTwitering]

The bible is actually 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

[Jesus Christ @JesusTwitering]

This church knows.

[Jesus Christ @JesusTwitering]

"@itsSamCollins: my hair always needs Jesus"

I'm a carpenter not a hairdresser.

[Jesus Christ @JesusTwitering]

"@TopBibleVerses: Jesus came forward and said, “I’ve been given all authority in heaven and on earth"

And then I was arrested and killed.

[Jesus Christ @JesusTwitering]

Sorry guys Judas got an Xbox One for Christmas so I had to take the Xbox Live servers down.

[Jesus Christ @JesusTwitering]

"@maireadm173: WTF?! Can't you just get your dad to give you whatever you want?"

It gets lost amongst the millions of prayers he ignores.

[Jesus Christ @JesusTwitering]

It's my birthday! Where the fuck are all my presents you miserable bastards.

[Jesus Christ @JesusTwitering]

"@maireadm173: Happy b-day @JesusTwitering...I think!"

Yes and no really. It's a long story. Where's my present young lady?

[Jesus Christ @JesusTwitering]

"@batten_liv: @JesusTwitering What about a classic CD?"

He's already got my new album.

[Jesus Christ @JesusTwitering]

I always struggle with gift ideas for my dad at Christmas.

[Jesus Christ @JesusTwitering]

Judas got me a box of nails for secret santa. Such a cunt.

[Jesus Christ @JesusTwitering]

Joseph just got me a card saying "Merry Christmas Son" #awkward

[Jesus Christ @JesusTwitering]

"@extrasolar_eyes: @JesusTwitering"

Unfortunately my erection was just out of shot.

[Jesus Christ @JesusTwitering]

I told her only a blowjob would get her into heaven LOL

[Jesus Christ @JesusTwitering]

Just asked Moses to passover the salt. He didn't get it.

[Jesus Christ @JesusTwitering]

If anyone is stuck for ideas for my birthday present I could do with some size 9 sandals.

[Jesus Christ @JesusTwitering]

It's my birthday soon bitches. Not my real birthday mind you... That other one that you guys made up #doublepresentswag