Jimmy Jaws

I don't wanna work. I just wanna bang on the drum all day.

[Jimmy Jaws @JimportantGuy]

Ya know that feeling after you take a shower after a haircut and use too much shampoo? That's my life.

[Jimmy Jaws @JimportantGuy]

.@PostMalone My two best friends are getting married and want you to come but are too nervous to ask. As best man, how many retweets does this post need to get for you to come?

[Jimmy Jaws @JimportantGuy]

@EeSuchin hi there! I’m not even sure if you still use this account but I read your book and really enjoyed it. I’m building a slightly complicated landscape using bonsai and was wondering if I might pick your brain about a few things?

[Jimmy Jaws @JimportantGuy]

@_luckychalms Ayyyye, I don’t even have the twitter app anymore. How’s paramedicry

[Jimmy Jaws @JimportantGuy]

@_luckychalms I haven’t had the Twitter app installed in months and it won’t let me read what tweet you’re replying to but I hope you found out if Mel is dead or not (I asked her a medical question yesterday and she condescendingly told me I wasn’t dying so she’s alive for sure)

[Sir Michael @Michael1979]

PROS & CONS OF GOING SWIMMING

PROS
-Refreshing
-Good exercise
-May discover lost city of Atlantis

CONS
-A lady might see the athletic physique I've honed from my karate training & demand to marry me, which could distract me from my karate career

CONCLUSION: Not worth the risk

[Sir Michael @Michael1979]

Sexy texting is the greatest danger facing us as a society today. Someone could even be trying to do sexy texting with you right now. Here are the signs you need to look out for

[Jimmy Jaws @JimportantGuy]

I think my fav part about ice is that when it melts it’s just more water

[Jimmy Jaws @JimportantGuy]

@melchalm Hey, just because we gonna be old doesn’t mean we’re dead don’t be rude

[Jimmy Jaws @JimportantGuy]

@_luckychalms New bitmoji who dis?

[Jimmy Jaws @JimportantGuy]

This didn’t get the attention it deserves. https://t.co/7c0QpMdTYU

[Jimmy Jaws @JimportantGuy]

Mocha but it’s pronounced macho.

[Jimmy Jaws @JimportantGuy]

Mocha but it’s pronounced macho.

[Jimmy Jaws @JimportantGuy]

This has honestly been an emotional rollercoster that I was not prepared for

[Jimmy Jaws @JimportantGuy]

Nevermind. It must have been a glitch. There’s is not a single redeeming quality for the update on this godforsaken app

[Jimmy Jaws @JimportantGuy]

PSA: You can start a streak with yourself on the new snapchat update. Hoes ain't loyal, be your own best friend.

[Jimmy Jaws @JimportantGuy]

Someone on this bus is listening to Titanium really loud through their headphones and honestly I am 100% rooting for them

[Jimmy Jaws @JimportantGuy]

@ChipotleTweets 🤔🤔 I think you mighta done something... now I gotta go buy more chips and guac to confirm..

[Jimmy Jaws @JimportantGuy]

@ChipotleTweets why the chips ain’t fit in the guac cup, fam?

[Jimmy Jaws @JimportantGuy]

@_luckychalms wow you basically are a saint how crazy many returns on your great day wow

[Jimmy Jaws @JimportantGuy]

@_luckychalms omg wow 21 congrats on being able to have your first drop of alcohol ever becuz it was illegal before what a great day