Funny Girl

Full of yeah, I know this is wrong, but I don't give a shit moments

[Funny Girl @JustGotFunny]

Full disclosure: I don't actually know the back of my hand all that well.

[Funny Girl @JustGotFunny]

I go deaf when I'm texting

[Funny Girl @JustGotFunny]

Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

[Funny Girl @JustGotFunny]

I'm so poor I'm taking a vacation on Google Street View this year.

[Funny Girl @JustGotFunny]

When you meet me, you think I am quiet. Then you get to know me and just wish I was quiet...

[Funny Girl @JustGotFunny]

Jealousy is a terrible disease, please get well soon bitch!

[Funny Girl @JustGotFunny]

By all means, please continue to tell me how the life you created for yourself is so miserable instead of taking actual steps to change it.

[Funny Girl @JustGotFunny]

I was about to do something awesome again,
but I told myself “enough is enough,
that’'s plenty of awesome for one day”.

[Funny Girl @JustGotFunny]

I hate it when I plan my day and nobody follows the script.

[Funny Girl @JustGotFunny]

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?

[Funny Girl @JustGotFunny]

How to have a flat stomach:
1) Remove all of your organs.

[Funny Girl @JustGotFunny]

I have a ton of leftover horse.

I guess I wasn't as hungry as I thought I was.

[Funny Girl @JustGotFunny]

My dad just gave me a toilet plunger as a house warming gift.

Dads, they're always helping you with shit :)

[Funny Girl @JustGotFunny]

The spider I tried to kill got away and now I have to move out of my house.

[Funny Girl @JustGotFunny]

My friend and her husband just got divorced.
They split the house.
He got the outside.

[Funny Girl @JustGotFunny]

I just gave my cat a bath.
She enjoyed it.
It wasn't fun for me though.
The fur kept sticking to my tongue.

[Funny Girl @JustGotFunny]

When advertising your business on the side of your car it's a good idea not to drive like a complete asshole.

[Funny Girl @JustGotFunny]

Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an "All the stuff you can microwave" aisle.

[Funny Girl @JustGotFunny]

To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.

[Funny Girl @JustGotFunny]

You should never wear a fanny pack because it makes you look like you're wearing a fanny pack.