Jacob Ryan

Self-Proclaimed Funny Guy

[Jacob Ryan @JustJacobTweets]

A crab Rangoon hates to see me walk in.

[Jacob Ryan @JustJacobTweets]

What's the point to life if I can't bitch about it?

[Jacob Ryan @JustJacobTweets]

Why complicate your life?

[Jacob Ryan @JustJacobTweets]

Much like a baseball, or the head's of thine enemies; give it to me blunt and direct.

[Jacob Ryan @JustJacobTweets]

Married to a woman and you make jerky? What do you mean you want to make things drier for your woman?

[Jacob Ryan @JustJacobTweets]

Brains are complicated clits. #sexeducation

[Jacob Ryan @JustJacobTweets]

A SUCCULENT CHINESE MEAL

[Jacob Ryan @JustJacobTweets]

Doc treated me like I was at the barber the day I was born. Only took a little off the top.

[Jacob Ryan @JustJacobTweets]

Yeah I can still do a split. Call me 'acro-fat-ic.'

[Jacob Ryan @JustJacobTweets]

On an unrelated note, how many seagulls does it take to find in your house before you question where they're coming from?

[Jacob Ryan @JustJacobTweets]

@Daddy_Ditto He forgot how to wear hoodies. 😔

[Jacob Ryan @JustJacobTweets]

Pretty sure I could tell the difference between the left twix and right twix if I were blindfolded.

[Jacob Ryan @JustJacobTweets]

Sploogin' on a cop.

[Jacob Ryan @JustJacobTweets]

She's going down on me like an air puff tonometer. #optometry #realeyes

[Jacob Ryan @JustJacobTweets]

Inside of me are two hobbits. A Baggins and a fool of a Took. One wants to sit at home, the other wants to go on adventures. #LOTR

[Jacob Ryan @JustJacobTweets]

I would like to be an owl staring at flies.

[M@ @arsonstbookclub]

the c in c4 is for coochie

[Jacob Ryan @JustJacobTweets]

Anyone else's belt give you a little spank when you remove it?

[Jacob Ryan @JustJacobTweets]

I think I swallowed my gum again.

[Jacob Ryan @JustJacobTweets]

One foot in the grave. One foot on a banana peel.