Kirby Northey

in my defense I have none

[Kirby Northey @KirbStompt]

I love pouring a glass of wine after a long day thinking to myself, "I did nothing to deserve this, you piece of shit"

[Kirby Northey @KirbStompt]

Bought 4 bras online and had to take out a second mortgage

[Kirby Northey @KirbStompt]

googled “how to cut bangs with wavy hair 6 months before wedding” and my phone just shut off completely

[Kirby Northey @KirbStompt]

cocktail bar running “I Know The End” and “Fade Into You” back to back is a dangerous fucking game and I think they know that

[Kirby Northey @KirbStompt]

“The Iron Claw” is just “The Virgin Suicides” but for men

[Kirby Northey @KirbStompt]

Aging expectations: my body hurts
Aging reality: unique pain of watching fashion-forward Gen Z hotties get celebrated for wearing the same pair of glasses I was embarrassed to wear in third grade

[Kirby Northey @KirbStompt]

Is there a support group available for the deep and overwhelming attraction I feel for Dr. Robby? #pittcrew

[Kirby Northey @KirbStompt]

never feel as young and reckless as I do when I click “send anyway” after Instagram suggests that it might be a bit too late to send a message to my friend

[.:RiotGrlErin:. @RiotGrlErin]

customer: your lightest roast please

barista: that middle part you’re wearing makes you look like a founding father

[Kirby Northey @KirbStompt]

got into a Lyft and the driver immediately switched to the country station, I feel attacked

[Kirby Northey @KirbStompt]

There’s really not a single situation where watching Chicago (2002) isn’t appropriate. New job? Put on “Chicago”! In a good mood? “Chicago”! Going through a breakup? That’s showbiz baby, 5, 6, 7, 8!

[Kirby Northey @KirbStompt]

@2zainzzz Gun to my head—couldn’t have told you what month it normally happens

[Kirby Northey @KirbStompt]

my favorite extremely-true stereotype of Chicagoans is that no one actually knows when the Air and Water show is; we just hear them practice and go “oh, I guess that’s happening”

[Kirby Northey @KirbStompt]

not to #brag but I’m always the sweatiest person in my Pilates class 💅🏼

[Kirby Northey @KirbStompt]

if I was famous I would never pick up a phone call from another famous friend, there’s at least a 45% chance that they’re filming a podcast and calling you as a bit

[Kirby Northey @KirbStompt]

So when basketball players slap each other on the ass it’s camaraderie but when I grab my friends’ ass it’s “too much” and “kinda hurts” ??

[Kirby Northey @KirbStompt]

how am I buying things I need every single day. when will the day come when I am not buying something I genuinely need. I can’t keep living like this.

[Kirby Northey @KirbStompt]

If more people had diaries, I think less people would make tik toks

[Kirby Northey @KirbStompt]

@abrooksbrotha Shoutout Armitage Alehouse though

[Kirby Northey @KirbStompt]

my nail salon was playing the Juno soundtrack, catering to a demographic of one (me)

[Kirby Northey @KirbStompt]

@GJasinski @merry_kate I wish