😟 Kit Carruthers (Rob) 🂱 🂨

I'm Kit and I have a drug problem. I'm all dark and passionate. And the thing I'm highest on is myself. And I'm hipster. And I hate everything that's dumb!

[😟 Kit Carruthers (Rob) 🂱 🂨 @Kit_Carruthers]

So like 15 years ago I’m on what was sold to me as acid but it wasn’t acid, and everything is going twice as slow but I’m moving twice as fast and I’m like… Wouldn’t that mean I’m moving four times as fast? I broke reality.

[😟 Kit Carruthers (Rob) 🂱 🂨 @Kit_Carruthers]

Before watching The Whale today I severely stuffed my face with pizza and wings and it really helped set the mood. The feeling of fullness that is.

[😟 Kit Carruthers (Rob) 🂱 🂨 @Kit_Carruthers]

The world needs prudes. Without them offensive humour would have less shock value.

[😟 Kit Carruthers (Rob) 🂱 🂨 @Kit_Carruthers]

@DAVID_FIRTH I don’t usually wear a mask but if I ever rob a bank this is my choice.

Just kidding don’t report me.

[😟 Kit Carruthers (Rob) 🂱 🂨 @Kit_Carruthers]

Speaking of guns I have an invention: A safe for you to keep your gun in that can tell whether or not you're tripping balls by the size of your pupils.

[😟 Kit Carruthers (Rob) 🂱 🂨 @Kit_Carruthers]

I had a dream I got caught with a gun at school and had to pay a 20 dollar fine. I wasn’t planning to shoot anyone or anything.

[😟 Kit Carruthers (Rob) 🂱 🂨 @Kit_Carruthers]

Pretty sure God would be perfectly fine with us playing God.

[😟 Kit Carruthers (Rob) 🂱 🂨 @Kit_Carruthers]

I want mechanical eyes that record everything so I can put every negative interaction on the internet so people can side with me.

[😟 Kit Carruthers (Rob) 🂱 🂨 @Kit_Carruthers]

At first I didn't care for Twitter's new name. But now that I realize it's going to be an all-purpose app I'm on board.

[😟 Kit Carruthers (Rob) 🂱 🂨 @Kit_Carruthers]

As a man of science I don’t want to believe in astrology but I believe in astrology.

[😟 Kit Carruthers (Rob) 🂱 🂨 @Kit_Carruthers]

If humanity is eternal and we keep producing garbage eventually the entire universe will be garbage.

[😟 Kit Carruthers (Rob) 🂱 🂨 @Kit_Carruthers]

Babies are enlightened. They haven't learned to be shitty yet.

Well okay they can still be shitty but in a different way.

[😟 Kit Carruthers (Rob) 🂱 🂨 @Kit_Carruthers]

Half my in person jokes are speaking in broken English.

Broken English is hilarious.

[😟 Kit Carruthers (Rob) 🂱 🂨 @Kit_Carruthers]

I mean I'm all for the death penalty when guilt is a sure thing but I understand it can't always be 100%, sooo... Maybe not in cases we're not positive.

[😟 Kit Carruthers (Rob) 🂱 🂨 @Kit_Carruthers]

But I'm very okay with man merging with machine.

[😟 Kit Carruthers (Rob) 🂱 🂨 @Kit_Carruthers]

You know I used to be all for things like growing humans in a lab or putting human consciousnesses into cyborgs, but now that I think of it those things would get in the way of evolution so I'm going to have to say I no longer support it.

[😟 Kit Carruthers (Rob) 🂱 🂨 @Kit_Carruthers]

I just realized I actually do have a pet peeve. People with food on their face.

[😟 Kit Carruthers (Rob) 🂱 🂨 @Kit_Carruthers]

Like I’m going to solve every problem in the world, I can solve hiccups. Hold your breath while you drink something.

I was recently at a poker party and my friends girlfriend said she enjoys hiccups. Next time I see her I’m going to have to ask her why, maybe I should too.

[😟 Kit Carruthers (Rob) 🂱 🂨 @Kit_Carruthers]

I love dogs, but fuck da police, so I don’t know what to think of police dogs. I think I love them but not if they narc on me.

I’m not sure this joke was good enough to tweet but fuck you.

[😟 Kit Carruthers (Rob) 🂱 🂨 @Kit_Carruthers]

I'm going to assume the reason we don't just jump to 256K in our HD TVs it because they make more money developing it slowly. I'm not certain of this fact so it won't make it into my writings. But it's good enough for a Tweet.