Kevin Lawson

Opinions forced upon me by current and former employers

[Kevin Lawson @KmasterFresh]

Oh you’re fascinated by number theory? Name three

[Kevin Lawson @KmasterFresh]

Gutted to discover momma did in fact raise a bitch

[Kevin Lawson @KmasterFresh]

My stance on skiing is that I would love to do it if I were already at the top of a mountain

[Kevin Lawson @KmasterFresh]

Me: what do you eat?
Plant: oh nothing. Just water and sunlight.
Me: really?? Must take a LOT of direct sunlight.
Plant: don’t even think about it

[Kevin Lawson @KmasterFresh]

Suits but it’s an unaccredited emotional support dog

[Kevin Lawson @KmasterFresh]

OOO: I am currently away from my desk hunting you down to do you immense physical harm. If this is a timely matter, please reach out to Jenna.

[Kevin Lawson @KmasterFresh]

Trader Joe’s employee: oh, this is a cute cactus!
Me (fully believing I cultivated and potted it myself): right?! Thanks

[Kevin Lawson @KmasterFresh]

NASA Mission Control center high fives are always a disaster on par with the success they’re celebrating

[Kevin Lawson @KmasterFresh]

My friend: Big news! We’re trying for kids!

Me (who doesn’t know how babies are made): Amazing! And a normal thing to say

[Kevin Lawson @KmasterFresh]

@honziee Wow you love that hotel chain so much why don’t you Marriott

[Kevin Lawson @KmasterFresh]

@_khalliday Will do. Thx

[Kevin Lawson @KmasterFresh]

I’m going to have a 100-person wedding via chain. I will only invite 1 person and their +1, and every +1 gets a +1 until we reach 100

[Kevin Lawson @KmasterFresh]

I told the barber to just give me whatever he thought I deserved

[Kevin Lawson @KmasterFresh]

I can deal with Williams. But Sonoma?

[Kevin Lawson @KmasterFresh]

The way my credit card balance accrues I have to assume it costs $800 to pay my bill

[Kevin Lawson @KmasterFresh]

Instead of “ring size” they should call it fingirth

[Kevin Lawson @KmasterFresh]

(As guards drag me out of the royal court to the guillotine) bro it’s a jest, I’m jesting

[Kevin Lawson @KmasterFresh]

Me on my way to trivia: I’m sure I’ll know many answers and affirm my beliefs surrounding my intelligence!

[Kevin Lawson @KmasterFresh]

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino is lowkey goated in situations where The Situation is the vibe

[Kevin Lawson @KmasterFresh]

Me: *trying to rob a party city but getting caught because I’m floating away due to the heap of balloons tied to my waist*