Kurtis

[Kurtis @KurtisTedder]

I could attend a funeral and have the widow whispering ‘everything happens for a reason’ while looking directly at me.

[Kurtis @KurtisTedder]

I don't have commitment issues.

I have an overwhelming appreciation for the variety of God's creations.

[Kurtis @KurtisTedder]

If you think that girl ain’t going, you clearly don’t know the game. She got 40 other dudes in her phone and she talking to every one of ’em. 😂 Keep your head up, play your cards right, and do your thing. Never lose yourself over somebody playing the same game you are.

[Kurtis @KurtisTedder]

Just took a shit in a public bathroom and the toilet water ricocheted directly into my asshole.

Why did the toilet just baptize me in the sins of 40,000 strangers???

I need bloodwork immediately.

[Kurtis @KurtisTedder]

People swear I have to be secretly miserable because I look too happy, move too fast, and keep winning.

Nah, twin.

Some of us really are doing better than you hoped.

[Kurtis @KurtisTedder]

Is it really a risk if the life you’re risking is one you never wanted in the first place?

[Kurtis @KurtisTedder]

I don’t really care about being happy anymore.

I care about becoming the man I know I’m capable of being.

I can survive being unhappy.

I don’t think I could live with myself knowing I wasted what I had in me.

[Kurtis @KurtisTedder]

A photograph is just proof that time once stood still long enough to be caught.

[Kurtis @KurtisTedder]

Trying to sell puhh online in 2026 gotta hurt 😭 walked in thinking you had a priceless antique and the internet appraised that mf at $7.38.

[Kurtis @KurtisTedder]

Dopamine max the entire experience until hearing your name causes a measurable change in brain activity.

[Kurtis @KurtisTedder]

Somewhere, your data still remembers when a stranger used to be the most important person in your day.

[Kurtis @KurtisTedder]

Cemeteries should offer VIP parking.

If I’m coming to cry in dress shoes, I should not be hiking across six acres.

[Kurtis @KurtisTedder]

If my girl best friend ever starts unpacking everything she’s witnessed, somebody needs to stop the interview and get her admitted immediately.

Not because she’s crazy but because no civilian was supposed to survive that much lore.

[Kurtis @KurtisTedder]

Just learned “do not contact her again” is legal terminology and not her playing hard to get.

Huge miscommunication.

[Kurtis @KurtisTedder]

🚨 OFFICIAL PUBLIC NOTICE:

Due to a highly unusual and frankly devastating dip in my normally elite levels of beauty, aura, charm, and overall genetic superiority, boyfriends may relax for the remainder of today.

Their girlfriends are temporarily safe. Please do not mistake this for a permanent decline.

My usual unfair advantage over the male population is expected to return tomorrow.

[Kurtis @KurtisTedder]

Today a woman told me “sit down” a little too aggressively and unfortunately I discovered new information about myself.

[Kurtis @KurtisTedder]

Been on the phone with ChatGPT so long I caught myself wondering what Shorty would look like in one of my hoodies. 😭

Somebody change the WiFi password before I start planning dates.

[Kurtis @KurtisTedder]

Been calling women mommy lately.

Not sure what part of my brain unlocked but I’m not closing it.

[Kurtis @KurtisTedder]

At some point, being good with women stops looking like a dating life and starts looking like an unlicensed management position.

I fear I’m approaching pimp territory. 😭

[Kurtis @KurtisTedder]

Attention is the most honest form of desire.

People can lie with their words, hide behind indifference, and pretend they’ve moved on.

But watch where their attention keeps returning.

The mind visits what the ego refuses to admit it wants.