Lacey

[Lacey @Lacer_J]

Q: What is the leading cause of dry skin?

A: Towels.

[Lacey @Lacer_J]

Is “buttcheeks” one word, or should I spread them apart?

[Lacey @Lacer_J]

You ain’t from Russia, so Bitch, why you rushin’?

~Nelly, “Pimp Juice” (2002)

[Lacey @Lacer_J]

A drunk fell out of a second story window. A man rushed over and asked him, “what happened?”

The drunk said, “I don’t know, I just got here.”

~Willie Nelson, “Jokes for Drunks”

[Lacey @Lacer_J]

Someone called me ‘pretty’ today. Technically, they said, “You’re pretty obnoxious”, but I’m at a place in my life where I only focus on the positive.

[Lacey @Lacer_J]

Just so that we are all on the same page, Ursula was a squid and not an octopus.

[Lacey @Lacer_J]

My boyfriend called me a pedophile. I said, “that’s a pretty big word for a 12-year old.”

[Lacey @Lacer_J]

Life after screwing me hard in 2022: “Do you have any fucks to give?”

Me in 2023: “Go Fish.”

🐠🐟

[Lacey @Lacer_J]

A very talented and funny friend of mine gave me the highest compliment by comparing my writing to that of comedic icon, Ms. Tina Fey. So, holy shit, if you need me, I will be busy in the corner being better than you.

[Lacey @Lacer_J]

One year sober.
365 days of raw dogging my social anxiety.

[Lacey @Lacer_J]

I ordered a used book that came from Lord knows where. It arrived with a long, blonde, curly hair, stuck between two pages, and I thought, “wow that’s a long way to go just to gross me out.”

[Lacey @Lacer_J]

Just had my first mammogram ever, and now I know what I WOULD wish on my worst enemy.

[Lacey @Lacer_J]

Just a reminder to get up and move your body today. 🏃🏻‍♀️

(Take it out of the trunk and get it to a freezer before it smells.)

[Lacey @Lacer_J]

He began coughin’ on the coffin, but was not so coughy once he had his coffee. And then, after he flew home from the funeral, he realized he actually had the flu. 🤒

[Lacey @Lacer_J]

Time•fla•tion (noun)

The figurative cost of my time going up after realizing just how much of it I give away for free.

[Lacey @Lacer_J]

April Fool’s Day is canceled because this whole year has been a joke. So, happy March 32nd. 😬

[Lacey @Lacer_J]

She spent days in a daze, and couldn’t figure out why her daze was lasting for so many days. How many more days can this daze last before the daze would permanently take over all of her days?

[Lacey @Lacer_J]

Every time you light your lighter, your lighter gets lighter until your lighter gets so light that it won’t light. 🥴

[Lacey @Lacer_J]

If you ever wonder how emo I am: today I was at the Gyno, spread eagle in the stirrups, naked as the day I was born, but Goddammit I kept my “In dog years I’m dead” beanie on. 🤘🏼

[Lacey @Lacer_J]

I was about to diet, but seeing that it has DIE in it and I am not about to end it all… McDonald’s it is. 🍔🍟