jack blu

join the cult

[jack blu @LargeGreenTowel]

@PellMull I go under the police tape, approach
the chalk outlined body, and flash
my subway sandwich card. "Ok what
do we got here?"

[jack blu @LargeGreenTowel]

Rt:
"I'm always shocked that only 7
people a year get killed on this
ride." -me at the amusement park,
trying to shorten the lines

[jack blu @LargeGreenTowel]

Rt: @thepunningman:
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

[jack blu @LargeGreenTowel]

@KeetPotato: me: [breaks long awkward silence] "so what do you do for a living?"
taxi driver: [just looks at me]

[jack blu @LargeGreenTowel]

BANDIT: [holding a gun] what are ur last words?
ME: I guess it depends on what I say last
-bandit walks away crying-

[jack blu @LargeGreenTowel]

RT @thenatewolf: "@ a party"
STRANGER: Are u that guy who brags about weird sh*t?
ME: No I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the city

[jack blu @LargeGreenTowel]

RT @thenatewolf: *At a party*
STRANGER: Are you that guy who brags about weird sh*t?
ME: No I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in th...

[jack blu @LargeGreenTowel]

RT: @KeetPotato: [my 1st day as garbage man]
me: "do i get any training?"
garbage man: "just pick up stuff as we go along"

[jack blu @LargeGreenTowel]

Me: [drooling and itching belly] "ABCD...XYZ"
{crowd of a thousand stand up and cheer, while sending pledges to https://t.co/fXTSjSJKUP}

[jack blu @LargeGreenTowel]

Wife: he has no respect to authority
Judge: [turning to me] is that true?
Me: [in weird voice] "is dat twue?"

[jack blu @LargeGreenTowel]

*Trying to pirate movie for first time*
*smashing keyboard while trying to turn on computer with hook"

[jack blu @LargeGreenTowel]

Wife: He doesnt listen to what anybody says
Therapist: [turning to me] Is that true?
Me: [pointing at desk] are those real flowers?

[jack blu @LargeGreenTowel]

Japanese torturer: "GIVE ME CODE"
Me: "NO"
*hits me with spiked rod*
Me [defeated]: "ok"
*chuckles evilly while listening to my voicemails*

[jack blu @LargeGreenTowel]

When I think Pakistan, I see thousands of gas stations in an empty desert, with the natives looking at each other awkwardly.

[jack blu @LargeGreenTowel]

LifeLesson#4
When spying on a foreign country, don't buy the newspaper and the hole puncher in the same convenience store, its too risky.

[jack blu @LargeGreenTowel]

@vineyille: What's up guys Epic Prank Dad 87 here, today my son thinks he's going to the zoo but instead I'm going to hit him with my car

[jack blu @LargeGreenTowel]

LifeLesson#3
If you spot a fire in a shooting range try using words such as "inferno!" or "blaze!" rather than "fire!"

[jack blu @LargeGreenTowel]

LifeLesson#2
Dont yell "Im finished" in a public bathroom in Finland. It'll just be weird.

[jack blu @LargeGreenTowel]

LifeLesson#1
Dont have an epileptic seizure in a dance club. It just looks like you have really good moves.

[jack blu @LargeGreenTowel]

[guy inventing raisins]
"Lets make something that tastes like crap but looks exactly like a chocolate chips"
#nationalchocolatechipcookieday