Laura JW

Everything I touch turns to awesome!

[Laura JW @Laurajdub]

You know it's a shitty burrito when the tortilla is the best part.

[Laura JW @Laurajdub]

Wondering if I were sprayed by a skunk, would I still be allowed to come into work?
I'm trying to figure how to best torture those assholes while still getting paid.
#takethisjobandshoveit

[Laura JW @Laurajdub]

But before despair consumes her, she tracks down 82 cans of Andre Brut in Rochester, NY and postpones the teetotaling for at least two years.
If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything.
#moderndrunkard

[Laura JW @Laurajdub]

Ever had such a hard time falling asleep that you tried to force yourself into a diabetic coma by getting out of bed and eating a pint of ice cream and three hostess cupcakes?
Me neither; that's crazy.
#thisis40 #bedtimeatlaurashouse

[Laura JW @Laurajdub]

It's Mudder's Day. The laundry can wait. #boofboofjada

[Laura JW @Laurajdub]

Life just keeps kicking me in the teeth. #moderndrunkard

[Laura JW @Laurajdub]

My coffee tastes weird.

[Laura JW @Laurajdub]

I dreamt about the outrageous price of tofu last night. #thisis40

[Laura JW @Laurajdub]

I almost went to work, but then Karate Kid 2 was on TV, and that almost never happens.
#takethisjobandshoveit

[Laura JW @Laurajdub]

Dear Laura,
Please stop guilting yourself about taking a sick day. You embody 'death warmed over.' It's okay to sit still.
Sincerely,
Mostly Dead Laura

[Laura JW @Laurajdub]

Whoa whoa whoa. I just finished watching Catfish, and an episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo started auto-playing. That crossed a line, YouTube TV.

[Laura JW @Laurajdub]

It's champagne Sunday and Wrath of Khan is on TV, so my to-do list can go fuck itself.

[Laura JW @Laurajdub]

No, but, like, actually dead.

[Laura JW @Laurajdub]

OMG, there was black ice on the driveway DIRECTLY next to where I parked my car, and I slipped and went belly up on the pavement and I think I'm dead now.

[Laura JW @Laurajdub]

Jada had hot dogs for breakfast two hours ago. Two minutes ago, she farted and it smelled exactly like boiled eggs. I just think dogs are the most fascinating specimens and we are lucky to know them.
#boofboofjada

[Laura JW @Laurajdub]

I see pride! I see power! I see a badass mother who don't take no crap offa nobody!

[Laura JW @Laurajdub]

Why aren't I dating a bari sax player?

[Laura JW @Laurajdub]

Just learned that Great Danes come from Germany and not Denmark, which is exactly the kind of info nugget that is going to piss me off indefinitely.

[Laura JW @Laurajdub]

Dear Laura. Please don't forget that the enchiladas at Taco Inc are disappointing.

[Laura JW @Laurajdub]

This work week has been rough. I don't even have a job where I'm physically or psychologically tortured on the reg. I just seem to have fallen into a wormhole of neverending weekdays.
#takethisjobandshoveit