Lauren Croft

Just some bendy dumbass in Texas

[Lauren Croft @LaurenCroft]

I'm not quite sure what "simping" means, but I think I'm simping for @GordonRamsay or like...his food.

Maybe I'm just hungry.

[Lauren Croft @LaurenCroft]

My new quarantine pastime is about to be me messaging celebrities photos of my dog.

[Lauren Croft @LaurenCroft]

The first time I ever said "meme" out loud, I said "me me" and got laughed at.

I, obviously, still think about it.

[Lauren Croft @LaurenCroft]

My ability to go from sober to drunk to that starts of a hangover in the span of 4 hours and 1 margarita is not only impressive, it's all pathetic.

[Lauren Croft @LaurenCroft]

"Shelby is just so pretty...I could stare at her all day," my Maw-maw said, while staring at me lovingly.

Unfortunately, I am Lauren...and not Shelby.

#ShelbyIsMy22YearOldCousin #30YearOldSpinster #Grandparents

[Lauren Croft @LaurenCroft]

Just so we're clear: my dog, who happily ran UP the stairs instead of into her kennel last night, required me to carry her back down the stairs this morning. Do you know how much it sucks to carry your 45 or 50 lb lab mix downstairs at 7 AM? #Ugh #Dogs

[Lauren Croft @LaurenCroft]

The only reason my dog loves me is because I throw her ball for her.

[Lauren Croft @LaurenCroft]

Met a heckin good boy named Harley today at ren fest.

Very soft. Does great service work. 10/10 would recommend.

[Lauren Croft @LaurenCroft]

Laying in a trailer, listening to patrons camp. Drums. Hip-hip-huzzah. And...@ABBA? Which is really exciting, given that this is a renaissance festival.

[Lauren Croft @LaurenCroft]

I've lost track of how many weddings I've been in, but I'm fairly certain that I'm probably half way to my 27 Dresses, so that's cute.

[Lauren Croft @LaurenCroft]

I like to leisurely stroll around the grocery store 20 minutes, and then leave without buying anything because I'm an indecisive dumbass.

[Lauren Croft @LaurenCroft]

Autograph hunters are insane.

[Lauren Croft @LaurenCroft]

THERE. IS. A. DOGGO. AT. MY. OFFICE.

[Lauren Croft @LaurenCroft]

She hates me. She kenneled herself after this. I just want my dog to love me but that's asking too much.

[Lauren Croft @LaurenCroft]

My dad just mentioned that I should make bread pudding out of some crackers, cinnamon, sugar, butter, and the whiskey sauce we have in the fridge.

Sounds like a challenge to me.

Poor man's bread pudding coming right up...

[Lauren Croft @LaurenCroft]

Just a girl doing backbends. Being bendy and shit.

[Lauren Croft @LaurenCroft]

@TuwaineBarrett Congrats on being in the extended cut, dude! (:

[Lauren Croft @LaurenCroft]

Yesterday, I bought Christian Louboutin's. Today, my dog shit her bed and kennel to the point that I threw some things away. But I also just won free pizza for a year, and that might be the best thing that ever happened to me.

[Lauren Croft @LaurenCroft]

Fairly certain that the only reason people drink coffee is because it helps you poop. I feel like anyone who says it wakes them up is lying.

[Lauren Croft @LaurenCroft]

Know what's bullshit?

Going to see @Daniel_Sloss (and @kaihumphries ), and having some twat talk. The entire fucking show.