The Alicianater

Beard connoisseur. I once used the word whom correctly in a sentence. @LuckoftheDraw86 is the Jack to my Coke.

[Dead Pan Nick @Contwixt]

At least once per day I look up at the Sun and think that star is too damn close and we should be more alarmed.

[skepanie @goodhairperson]

[doctor examining my body after my mysterious death] wow. I've never seen a human body composed of such a high percentage of mashed potatoes

[The Alicianater @leechee420]

@blondie0903 ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[mustard clown @markydoodoo]

I’m so bored I just checked to see if I had any apps to update

[The Alicianater @leechee420]

@blaha_Who ❤❤❤

[mustard clown @markydoodoo]

[GOD CREATING SKUNKS]

How about a big ferret that sucks

[The Alicianater @leechee420]

Threw my back out fucking the other day. I have officially reached the "ask your doctor if you're healthy enough for sex" stage of my life.

[Josh @iwearaonesie]

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?

[Teej @curiousteej]

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we're now Amish

[The Alicianater @leechee420]

I haven't tweeted in awhile because I've been very busy hating my fucking life.

[The Flounder Pounder @Amiigat]

You can trust me.

I'm from the Internet.

[Baby Swayze @buhsbaby]

Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.

[mustard clown @markydoodoo]

There should be a way to search pics in my camera roll just typing stuff like "that one where I don't have a triple chin" or "that cute dog"

[Eric B @enigmaterics]

Words happen. Words are hard.

[🇺🇸Frank Whítehouse 🇺🇸 @WheelTod]

"Son, it's time we had the talk"

*puts on porn DVD

"So anyway, sex is the exact opposite of that. Good talk, son."

[🇨🇦𖤐 Father Red McGee 𖤐 🇨🇦 @FatherRedMcgee]

Girl, I'm going to pick you up on my BMX, share a grape popsicle with you, and then take you back to my place to watch "Thundercats"

[🇨🇦𖤐 Father Red McGee 𖤐 🇨🇦 @FatherRedMcgee]

Dear Fully Grown Man wearing a hoodie with kitten ears,

Do you realize that you're a Fully Grown Man wearing a hoodie with kitten ears?

[🇨🇦𖤐 Father Red McGee 𖤐 🇨🇦 @FatherRedMcgee]

I've replaced all of my coworkers normal scissors with safety scissors just to show them how competent I think they all really are.

[🇨🇦𖤐 Father Red McGee 𖤐 🇨🇦 @FatherRedMcgee]

If you could convert Political Twitter into a sound, it would be the sound of a fart that lasts 43 years.