John Bender

No, Fuck you.

[John Bender @Legit_Link]

No, I just want to know how one becomes a janitor. Because, you see, Brian here is very interested in pursuing a career in the custodial arts.

[John Bender @Legit_Link]

Don't talk. Don't talk. It makes it crawl back up.

[John Bender @Legit_Link]

What do you care what I think anyway? I don't even count, right? I could disappear forever and it wouldn't make any difference.

[John Bender @Legit_Link]

What do you care what I think anyway? I don't even count, right? I could disappear forever and it wouldn't make any difference. I might as well not even exist at this school, remember?

[John Bender @Legit_Link]

[after Claire performs her lipstick trick, claps sarcastically] Wow, Claire. That was great. My image of you is totally blown.

[John Bender @Legit_Link]

I wanna be an airborne ranger / I wanna lead a life of danger / Before the day I die / There's five things I wanna ride / Bicycle, tricycle, automobile / Virgin's mother and a ferris wheel...

[John Bender @Legit_Link]

[after Claire flips him off] Oh, obscene finger gestures from such a pristine girl.

[John Bender @Legit_Link]

That's very clever, sir. But what if there's a fire? I think violating fire codes and endangering the lives of children would be unwise at this juncture in your career, sir.

[John Bender @Legit_Link]

NO. 'Cause you know how shitty that is to do someone, and you don't got the balls to stand up to your friends and tell them you're gonna like who you wanna like.

[John Bender @Legit_Link]

[to Vernon] Keep your fuckin' hands off me! I'd expect better manners from you, Dick.

[John Bender @Legit_Link]

[Imitating his Father] Stupid, worthless, no good, goddamn, freeloading son of a bitch. Retarded, big mouth, know-it-all, asshole, jerk.

[John Bender @Legit_Link]

Moe-Lay really pumps my nads.

[John Bender @Legit_Link]

You're right. It's wrong to destroy literature. It's such fun to read.

[John Bender @Legit_Link]

Uh, Dick? Excuse me; Rich. Will milk be made available to us?

[John Bender @Legit_Link]

But face it. You're a neo maxi zoom dweebie, what would you be doing if you weren't out making yourself a better citizen?

[John Bender @Legit_Link]

Richard Vernon: What if your home... what if your family... what if your *dope* was on fire?
John Bender: Impossible, sir. It's in Johnson's underwear.

[John Bender @Legit_Link]

You're an idiot anyway. But if you say you get along with your parents, well, you're a liar too.

[John Bender @Legit_Link]

Being bad feels pretty good, huh?

[John Bender @Legit_Link]

Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?

[John Bender @Legit_Link]

Naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm, and a two-foot salami under the other. The bartender says, I guess you won't be needing a drink. Naked lady says...