Dr Lauretta

Therapist, Coach and Counselor.

[Gbenga Samuel-Wemimo @GbengaWemimo]

I recently came across a post from a woman
She had left a ten-year marriage because she was bored, though she didn’t put it that way, not even to herself. What she said was that she’d outgrown it. That she started looking at the next thirty years and feeling trapped by their sameness. That the best parts of her had nowhere to go.
She spent months trying to understand what was happening. He hadn’t cheated. He hadn’t become cruel. They weren’t screaming at each other. Which only made the restlessness harder to explain.
She kept asking herself when it had happened. What had changed? Why she felt this way? And why she couldn’t seem to fix it. At some point the questions shifted. Have we become roommates? Is this really what marriage is supposed to feel like?
If she’d felt this way for this long, surely something had to be wrong.
Her husband was stable, kind, and present. He came home. Paid the bills. Took out the trash. Sat beside her every night.
What she wanted from him, though, hadn’t really changed. Ten years in, she still wanted to feel what she’d felt in the beginning. She wanted the electricity to stay.
Eventually, she left and found something electric again. For a while, it worked. But that relationship developed its own quiet stretches and ordinary days, and before long, the familiar question returned.
Am I being fulfilled?
Along with it came a thought she could never quite bring herself to finish.
Maybe this is me. Maybe I’m the thing that doesn’t change.
It was the most honest thought she had.

Somewhere along the way, difficult had stopped meaning worth working through. It had started to feel like a warning.
If it takes this much work, maybe we’re forcing it.

Every long relationship goes through quiet stretches, weeks of low warmth, seasons where you look across the table and think: is this really it? Have we run out of things to say? That isn’t a sign the marriage is broken. It’s a sign it’s long.
Feelings rise and fall. Duty remains.

Nothing in this argument asks anyone to remain in an abusive, degrading, or fundamentally destructive relationship. Duty is not slavery. When cruelty, betrayal, or chronic contempt destroy the relationship itself, leaving isn’t the abandonment of duty. It is the recognition that what duty was meant to protect no longer exists.
Abuse and irreconcilable incompatibility are reasons to leave. Boredom and quiet disconnection are not. One grows worse with time. The other belongs to every long relationship. Confusing the two is where many decisions go wrong.

Nobody takes vows because they expect to feel deeply in love every day for fifty years. Vows exist because everyone understands that feelings are temporary. That’s why people make promises. If happiness were enough, nobody would need promises in the first place.

[Dr Lauretta @LOgbum]

@ronkecarew You can’t depend on another adult for your sustenance. Let her look for something to do to earn an income. The man has shown his true colour, does she need a soothsayer to tell her that things can only get worse?

[Dr Ola Brown @NaijaFlyingDr]

Why isn't Nigeria rich?Bad government? Corruption?

Or is there a more uncomfortable explanation: the way we think about money itself?

In my new article, I explore why some societies turn money into capital,while others struggle .

Find the link here: https://t.co/FVIMeohKMp

[Dele Olawanle @dolawanle]

SIGNS YOU MAY SUFFER AT OLD AGE (PART 2)

This is the conclusion of this article.

First, do not spend all your money on the family. You must have a reserve or a backup. Every nation, organization, church, or charity that lacks a reserve will be bankrupt in the end. Many men die young because they have nothing left after supporting their families. That is poor financial management. Blame yourself.

Second, as a man, plan for two. Plan to spend the rest of your life with your wife and save money towards that. If she decides to mess up, it will be her loss.

Third, have something you can sell—either land, stocks, shares, or properties. If you are in your 60s and sell a property you own to look after yourself, that will not be too bad. You have labored enough.

Fourth, manage your pension well if you have one. Don’t do what I call misguided generosity. Do not take on extended family responsibilities. Your earning capacity reduces as you age. Let them call you stingy, but don’t die a wretched man.

Fifth, if you live abroad, make sure you get the right to stay permanently before you return to your country. Getting medication can make you bankrupt in Africa. Allow yourself to return.

Six, look after yourself and your health. Sickness and diseases make old age a hard chore. Do exercise, eat, and sleep well. I am learning to do that. Many men in their 60s are not physically fit.

Seven, maintain a good network of friends. Don’t let your old friends go, especially the good ones.

Eight, do not let your children go. Be conscious of that and be very mature.

Finally, pray a lot. Prayer frustrates every attempt to make you suffer. Don’t be agnostic like some people. Believe in God at all times.

If you have anything to add to these, please do.

My name is Dele Olawanle. I am a coach. I think, write, and speak to improve lives. Share this post. Follow me for more insights and inspiration. #deleolawanlesnuggets

[Dele Olawanle @dolawanle]

SIGNS YOU MAY SUFFER AT YOUR OLD AGE (PT.1)

Happy New Month. If you are a man, read this and think of it.

I went to see a man in a town in Nigeria with a friend some years ago.

He lived abroad for many years and had four children with his wife. They were all American citizens. He returned to Nigeria with his family. The children went back to America one by one for further studies. The wife said she was going to visit the children and abandoned the man in Nigeria. She prevented the children from sending a letter of invitation to their father or from providing the supporting documents.

We met him alone in a massive house, and my friend started crying. The man noticed it and said, “You are feeling sorry for me, right? That is the danger of marrying the wrong woman”. He died miserably a few years later. Mind you, he sponsored those children’s education. The fact that you sponsored your children’s education does not mean they will remember you. Their mother can turn them against you. They can also decide to turn against you.

You should notice the signs. Whenever you have issues with their mother, they blame you and support their mother. Whenever you have issues with your wife, she will stop giving you food or talking to you. You more or less live like a stranger at home. These are signs of what you might experience in your old age. Do not see it as nothing. If you become seriously ill, you may be abandoned like the man in my story.

You will soon get weaker and weaker with age. You need a network of support and resources for your later life. Start building that now.

In the concluding part, I will advise you on how to protect yourself. Many men are dying of frustration, and you can prevent yourself from becoming a victim. Do not ignore this post.

My name is Dele Olawanle. I am a coach. I think, write, and speak to improve lives. Share this post. Follow me for more insights and inspiration. #deleolawanlesnuggets

[Dr Lauretta @LOgbum]

@taadelodun Happy birthday 🎂🎉🎈

[Dr Lauretta @LOgbum]

@TheDimejiLateef Congratulations 🎈🎉🍾

[Dr Lauretta @LOgbum]

@AlliOlabisi5 Happy birthday 🎁🎂🎊 sis.

[Dr Lauretta @LOgbum]

@egi_nupe @taadelodun Happy birthday 🎉🎊🎈

[Dr Lauretta @LOgbum]

@arojinle1 Congratulations 🍾🎈 boss. Wish you swift recovery ❤️‍🩹

[Dr Lauretta @LOgbum]

@emejimeta2 Sending you hugs 🥰 sis

[Dr Lauretta @LOgbum]

@emejimeta2 Congratulations 🍾🎈 proud mama

[Dr Lauretta @LOgbum]

@Wizarab10 Happy birthday 🎂🎈. God bless and keep you

[Gbenga Samuel-Wemimo @GbengaWemimo]

Finding Peace

A Christian brother found himself in a very toxic marriage.
He went to his mother to complain about his wife and all the shades of hell he was passing through in the marriage
His mother listened to him silently until he was done
She then told him to return home and keep the peace at all costs until she visits him and his wife in a few weeks.
He went home and kept the peace as his mother instructed

He refused to engage his wife in any form of provocative endeavor
His wife found it strange that her husband was not returning aggression for aggression
They had both honed their aggressive skills in order to survive in their toxic marriage, and his sudden switch to "Man of Peace" was alien to her

She tried everything to provoke him
He resisted every bait
She didn't know how to be with a man who simply ignores or completely disregards her "pepperish nature"
It took all of two weeks for her to ask her husband for a discussion
She needed to know what was wrong
His silence was freaking her out

Her husband told her he had always wanted a peaceful and godly life, and had always lived a peaceful and godly life until he met her
He said he realised she has a restless spirit and was constantly spoiling for a fight with everybody

The neighbours, church members, colleagues at work (she had been suspended twice without pay for fighting with two of her colleagues at the office in the last year, and would have been sacked but for the intervention of her mentor and godfather, who got her the job)

Her husband said he began matching her energy so that he would not be consumed by her aggressive nature
Instructions given to her peacefully were often met with strong resistance
Questions posed to her with the expectation of a simple answer are often replied to with sarcasm or insults
He said he got tired of it and began giving it back to her because he, too, was capable of aggression when it was needed.

He said he, however, noticed that it was changing him.
Whenever he had minor disagreements with other people, he would escalate issues quickly and unnecessarily
He reminded her that she used to tell him he was too "quiet", too passive, too peaceful, too enduring, too docile, too accepting, and too allowing things to slide for the sake of peace in the first year of their marriage

She wanted him to be an attack dog, to give no quarter, to be a warrior like she is
He said his reputation as the reasonable one, which he had built for years before he met her, was thrown out of the window within a year of their marriage
People now know that he wouldn't take rubbish and would go to war at the slightest provocation.
It was draining and exhausting
He was tired of it.

His wife replied with her tone rising aggressively, "So you are calling me a bad wife, a troublemaker, a cantankerous woman, a narcissist, and a gaslighter. You sit there and label me right in my presence as a mad person who only causes chaos and disorder. You saw me this way before you married me.
I will not be insulted and called uncultured by a man who was everybody's doormat until I came into his life.
Was I not the one who successfully helped you chase away all your family members who used to come here every weekend, begging for money and draining your resources? Did you not thank me for it?
Suddenly, now I am the evil woman.
That is how you men behave. You have a hidden motive, you have a destination in mind, you are plotting something, and you are looking for an excuse to execute your plan.
Don't gaslight me so that you can feel good about the evil you want to do.
Like Jesus told Judas, What you have to do, please do quickly so that I can move on with my life. Rubbish"

When she was done, she stormed out of the room and slammed the door.
Her husband sighed, turned to his pillow, and slept.
He knew she would remain agitated all night, and he was resolved not to engage her whenever she was in that state anymore
She didn't know how else to relate to people.
Even the ones she was meeting for the first time.
It was always war.
"He didn't greet me properly." Was her remark when she met his boss
"She was looking at me with disdain." Was her remark when she met the gynaecologist for the first time
"Her outfit was too crass." Was her remark when she met his cousin
"He is a snob," Was her remark when she met his best friend
"She is proud." Was her remark when she met the pastor's wife

He could remember wondering how any woman could be so negative towards everything and everyone.
He could also remember wondering how, of all the men in the world, he was the one who had to marry her.

His wife slept on the couch that night.
Usually, he would have waited an hour or two until she calmed down before going to apologise to her in order to bring her back to their bed, but on this occasion, he didn't go after her.
He didn't see the need to.

His mother arrived at their house very early the next morning
Since his wife was the one in the sitting room, she was the one who heard his mother's voice and knock on the door.
She refused to leave the couch
She also didn't pretend to be asleep
She sat there and refused to move until his mother walked around the house to knock on his bedroom window.
He woke up, ran to the door, and was shocked to see his wife seated with her arms across her chest, puffed up like a volcano waiting to erupt.

Usually, he would not allow his mother in when his wife was in such a mood
He would stylishly step outside to talk to his mother while making an excuse like "My wife has a migraine and any sort of noise would disturb her. Can we take a drive or talk quickly in the compound?"
But he was tired of protecting her and covering up her combustible nature
He felt it was better if his mother saw the practical side of the conversation he had had with her several weeks before.

His mother came in and greeted his wife.
His wife hissed and rolled her eyes
His mother asked what was wrong
He kept quiet
His wife kept quiet
His mother read the room and said to her son, "Excuse us, let me have a discussion with my wife."

His wife roared with laughter and said, "Who do you people think you want to put in the middle? Me??
You must be joking.
Your son called you to come here and play good cop, bad cop with me, and you came.
Did he not tell you that I was not from a foolish lineage?
When you are done, both of you will bring out what you have planned so that everybody will know where they belong in this house"

When she was done, she sashayed into the room.
Her husband looked at his mother
His mother also looked at him
The next step to take would have been to call his wife's parents and report their daughter for disrespecting his mother, but he dared not do that.

His wife's mother is not pepper, she is teargas.
He had been privileged to go to the police station to bail out his wife's mother before.
She fought with a neighbour and blinded her in one eye.
He and his wife paid the hospital bill of the victim and the compensation the victim's family demanded so that the case would not be charged to the court.

It was a rabid dog situation
If you pity the dog, it will bite, and whoever it bites will die of rabies
If you kill the dog, people will accuse you of killing man's best friend.
His mother asked him if there had been any physical abuse in the marriage
He told her his wife had charged at him with a knife once, and that there was another time when they were driving to church, and she aggressively tried to take over the steering wheel in anger because he said something that infuriated her.

His mother told him to dress up and go to his office.
After he left, his mother went to the motor garage and rented a huge truck
She also got six strong men
She took them to the house and told them to pack everything belonging to her son into the truck

The wife was in the room when they started packing
She heard movement in the sitting room, opened her door, and saw what was going on
She could have tried to talk to her mother-in-law, call the church pastor, the neighbours, anybody to intervene, or she could have gone on her knees and begged her to give her a second chance to do better.

She stood and started telling the movers the things that belonged to her so that they would not make the mistake of taking her things along with those of her husband.
By 2 pm, they were done
She went back to her room as her mother-in-law led the truck to an unknown destination.
When her husband closed from the office that day, his mother was waiting for him
She took him to a new apartment she had secured for him
She said, "You didn't divorce that woman; I divorced her for you in order to preserve your life."

A week after their last fight, his wife reached out.
She wanted to talk
She wanted them to find a resolution
She wanted them to discuss as adults and see if things could be salvaged
He didn't respond to her calls and messages
She reached out to his colleagues at work and his friends, but they all ignored her
Their church pastor tried to make a case for her, but it fell on deaf ears
Where the tree had fallen, let it lie there said Solomon.
The marriage lasted three years; fortunately, they didn't have any children.

PS: You can choose not to be like your mother or your father
You can choose not to be aggressive
You can choose not to be a troublemaker
As much as it is within your power, be at peace with all men, says the Scriptures
Check these impulses
Check the toxicity
Put your bulldogness in check
The husbands of troublesome women often live on rooftops far away from their wives
The wives of troublesome men often raise the children alone for the sake of peace
People are not the problem; you are
Nobody is out to get you.
Choose to live a life of peace

This is a special love note to two of my daughters, Yedidiah and Roila
A father must try his best to raise marriage-worthy daughters
I am trying to, please let my efforts not be in vain.

-GSW-

[Dr Lauretta @LOgbum]

@emejimeta2 Happy birthday 🎈🎊🎂 sis

[Foundational Nupe Lawyer @egi_nupe]

Please repost, let not allow the fake news and propagandist continue to spread lies.

[Dr Lauretta @LOgbum]

@harrydaniyan Happy birthday 🎉🎁🎈 sir

[Dr Lauretta @LOgbum]

This is #25 years together. Grateful for the gift of an enduring and beautiful marriage.

[The Biblical Man @Biblicalman]

My father once told me the secret to a happy marriage.

“Stay out of the kitchen. Let her handle the holidays.”

I was 19. He was in his recliner.

My mother was cooking for 14 people.

She’d been up since 5 AM.

He’d been up since the football pregame.

I didn’t think anything of it.

That’s just how it was.

Fast forward 20 years.

I’m in the recliner.

My wife is in the kitchen.

She’s been up since 5 AM.

I’ve been up since the pregame.

My daughter walks by and I see her watching.

Not the TV.

Her mother.

Then me.

Then her mother again.

That’s when it hit me:

She’s taking notes.

My father taught me that holidays were for men to rest and women to work.

He didn’t say it.

He showed it.

Every Thanksgiving.
Every Christmas.
Every Easter.

The recliner passed from him to me like an inheritance I never asked for.

This morning I woke up at 4 AM.

Not for content.

For the turkey.

My wife found me in the kitchen at 6.

She didn’t say anything.

She just stood there.

Then she cried.

Your kids are taking notes.

Not on what you say.

On where you sit.

The recliner is an inheritance.

Be the generation that stands up.

[Dr Lauretta @LOgbum]

@mamatii001 A very big congratulations sis