Lucas Heil

he/him/his. Free parking after 8pm.

[Lucas Heil @lucasheil]

I made an A.I. bot read every James Bond novel and asked it to write a new one and my computer crashed and now it won't boot up and I've lost three months of work.

[Lucas Heil @lucasheil]

Hey @woolworths I just went to add Gaviscon to my shopping list and what in deep fried Christ is this?

[Lucas Heil @lucasheil]

I wish food companies trying to sound gourmet would stop using “sea salt” in their product names. Every time I see it, I think ”Ooh. People piss in the sea. That food has a bit of piss in it”.

[Lucas Heil @lucasheil]

Sian has a toy piano in the back of the car, and we’ve decided to keep it in there, because any time she breaks suddenly, it plays a dramatic sting. #CarMods

[Lucas Heil @lucasheil]

Bonsoy - I’m glad your milk is kinder to animals, but I hope in future you’ll treat your workers better.

[Lucas Heil @lucasheil]

There's not a day that goes by where I don't worry about Mr Anderson's landlady. After Thomas selfishly decided to become Neo full-time and just flat-out ghost her, she's left to take the garbage out on her own. I hope you're doing okay, landlady. #staysafe

[Lucas Heil @lucasheil]

I should never be left alone with a green screen...

[BirthdayLoyaltyClub @BLC4LYF]

Listen, we’re all coping with isolation in our own ways.
https://t.co/jaHHhS54ss

[Lucas Heil @lucasheil]

@ninjamac MARCO: Did you eat the butter?!
RIVER: (a beat, glares) ...I used to be king.

[Lucas Heil @lucasheil]

I’ve been re-reading #DouglasAdams recently. It’s almost eerie that hairdressers and phone sanitisers have once again become the most highly regarded professions on our planet. #Covid_19 #coronavirusau #coronavirusaustralia #h2g2

[BirthdayLoyaltyClub @BLC4LYF]

We’ve made a song to play whenever you wash your hands! Turn sound on to fully appreciate it. 🎵 #COVIDー19 #COVID19Aus #music #WashYourHands #coronavirusaustralia

[BirthdayLoyaltyClub @BLC4LYF]

#motivation

[Lucas Heil @lucasheil]

2009 NYE: Sipping a flute of champagne and watching the fireworks from a secluded hillside.

2019 NYE: butt-chugging a potato shot from an exhaust pipe and watching the blood pool in my eyes from a secluded ditch where the Murray River used to be.

[BirthdayLoyaltyClub @BLC4LYF]

🎉NEW YEARS EVE TIP🎉
Drink 4L water in between each alcoholic beverage to reduce the severity of your New Years Day hangover. #NYE2020 #NYE

[BirthdayLoyaltyClub @BLC4LYF]

Need a good last-minute, low-effort #Christmas gift idea? Simply print out the gift voucher below! Just be sure to hide the bottom right corner with your thumb when you hand it to the recipient! #xmas2019 #giftideas

[Lucas Heil @lucasheil]

LOL YEAH OK

[Hunting Seasons - A TV Podcast @huntingscast]

While Damask is off 'finding herself', Lucas Heil returns to deep-dive and dissect the second season of #GravityFalls! What is Gravity Falls? If you're in the US, Australia or NZ, you're in luck! This jolly animated mystery show is now available on Disney+ https://t.co/RbtytPnFwp

[BirthdayLoyaltyClub @BLC4LYF]

Looks like the #streaming wars are over before they had a chance to begin! Take a look at this incredible #December #lineup!

[Lucas Heil @lucasheil]

At the train station during peak hour, when they have the announcement to “Please use all available doors”, I always consider giving it a bash.

[BirthdayLoyaltyClub @BLC4LYF]

We have a special guest artist today! This comic is brought to you by none other than the esteemed prime minister of Australia, Hon Scott Morrison MP!

[Lucas Heil @lucasheil]

As times change and marketing strategies evolve, I’ve become increasingly disheartened by the fact that it looks less and less likely I’ll ever get to achieve my dream of playing the role of “Naysaying Neighbour” in a kitchen appliance infomercial.