Luves 2 Splooge

Mary... I... I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy.

[Luves 2 Splooge @Luves2Splooge]

Fat people always give some bullshit excuse like “yeah, I was eating too many salads”

[Luves 2 Splooge @Luves2Splooge]

When I quit my job last year, some random girl in HR walked up to me and said “this is the worst day of my life”

[Bobby Burton @BobbyBurtonOTF]

Livingstone was offered a mid six-figure NIL/rev share deal and turned it down. The offer was never withdrawn. But yeah, he was forced out involuntarily. Whatever.

[Luves 2 Splooge @Luves2Splooge]

@WallStreetMav I got yo bitch wit me

[Luves 2 Splooge @Luves2Splooge]

@NFL @RapSheet @TomPelissero Thats it. That seals the deal. Im no longer a cowboys fan. I’ve been a cowboys fan since 2004 and a season ticket holder since 2010. I will no longer watch on TV or renew my season tickets. I’m taking my loyalty to the Eagles where they actually know how to run a football team

[Luves 2 Splooge @Luves2Splooge]

One of the wnba teams needs to put together a team of the hottest players. No talent, just pure aggression. More girls falling and getting back up and less basketball

[Luves 2 Splooge @Luves2Splooge]

@Petco Please lay out some food, she looks exhausted

[Luves 2 Splooge @Luves2Splooge]

@Petco just looked at the pet cam and saw my golden doodle being RAPED by a great dane. Is anyone going to do anything?

[Luves 2 Splooge @Luves2Splooge]

@Petco Its in Dallas, my Cyndie is not consenting and CLEARLY not enjoying it. Not sure how this is acceptable

[Luves 2 Splooge @Luves2Splooge]

Siri how old is the little asian girl on severance

[Luves 2 Splooge @Luves2Splooge]

Sometime in the past year running marathons became really gay

[Luves 2 Splooge @Luves2Splooge]

Person: “Didn’t you say you were pretty artistic?”

Me: No I said I was autistic

[Luves 2 Splooge @Luves2Splooge]

RIP Munger. Warren and I are in shambles. Please respect our privacy during this time. 🙏🏿

[Luves 2 Splooge @Luves2Splooge]

Morning Routine
1. Take a shit
2. Get out of bed
3. Make breakfast

[Luves 2 Splooge @Luves2Splooge]

Me: *pisses all over bathroom floor*
Coworker: *walks in* “Jesus, theres so much piss on the floor”
Me: *washing hands “I know man”

[Luves 2 Splooge @Luves2Splooge]

@treyscardino Ya all those badges are for sucking dick

[Luves 2 Splooge @Luves2Splooge]

“Im an eagle scout” is a typical precursor for “I’m gay”

[Luves 2 Splooge @Luves2Splooge]

Sir your nut sack is in my salad
-Oh sorry, I thought this was a Waldorf