Cara Lytwyn

Stand Up Comedian and Wedding DJ from Flin Flon. I don't have any money, but I can pay you back in poems.

[Cara Lytwyn @Lytwyn]

I’ve woken up in a Twilight Zone where suddenly all these men who couldn’t give a shit about child rape and wars - finally care because “oh noooo it’s so expensive to make my truck go vroom vroom.”

[Cara Lytwyn @Lytwyn]

It’s wild to me how everyone suddenly forgot about Second-degree murder.
That’s the big claim - the agents didn’t premeditate shooting Alex, so it’s not murder. Even the biggest morons have watched an episode of Law and Order. #ICE #AlexPretti #LawAndOrder

[Cara Lytwyn @Lytwyn]

I turn perverts into creeps.

[Cara Lytwyn @Lytwyn]

This breakup is my Roman Empire.

[Cara Lytwyn @Lytwyn]

Can someone let Trump know that he won the presidency? Watching him continue to speak on how much better he is than Biden is like that creep boyfriend who keeps telling you how much smarter, faster, and bigger he is than your ex. Ick. #Trump #Biden #ick

[Cara Lytwyn @Lytwyn]

@kentonlarsen can’t wait to see it

[Cara Lytwyn @Lytwyn]

If ya’ll ladies are feeling any insecurities with dating….just know that some men scream when they cum. You’re welcome.

[Cara Lytwyn @Lytwyn]

Me at 1:28am: go to bed. Also me: google what is an iron lung?

[Cara Lytwyn @Lytwyn]

Can we finally agree that the Capulets were cunts? Seriously, Tybalt’s nickname was Prince of Cats. Cunt. #capulets #Shakespeare

[Cara Lytwyn @Lytwyn]

If a guy tells you his favourite movie is Road House. It’s actually Dirty Dancing.

[Cara Lytwyn @Lytwyn]

Some flavours of Bubly taste yummy and some taste like electricity.

[Cara Lytwyn @Lytwyn]

Don’t skip
ahead.

[Cara Lytwyn @Lytwyn]

@julieklausner While we are at it, can we also do the same for Christina Hendricks?

[Cara Lytwyn @Lytwyn]

I just wanna meet a nice Felix. Kill him and hump his grave. Is that asking for too much?

[Cara Lytwyn @Lytwyn]

Everyone made fun of me for watch Sister Wives. Okay good call. But getting to watch each wife leave resulting in a single monogamous marriage is truly a delight.

[Cara Lytwyn @Lytwyn]

The true grace in Step Brothers and Napoleon Dynamite lies in microwaved nachos and cheese. #stepbrothers #napoleondynamite

[Cara Lytwyn @Lytwyn]

When he doesn’t text you all weekend and then sends a list of all the activities that kept him too busy and none of them include being trapped in a mine without cell service.

[Cara Lytwyn @Lytwyn]

There is a thing of too soon when a celebrity dies of something that many people have lost a loved one to cause it’s triggering. Grow up.

[Cara Lytwyn @Lytwyn]

If you would have told me 20 years ago that Snoop would be making wine and Eminem would be making pasta sauce…I’d be like…ya that adds up I suppose. #Eminem #snoop

[Cara Lytwyn @Lytwyn]

Who’s love language is “gifts”? I’ll tell you: cunts.