Toast

saying perhaps to drugs since '95

[Toast @MaggieToast]

“It’s not a bad life, actually, once you get the hang of it, unless of course you hang yourself" -Kinky Friedman

[Toast @MaggieToast]

@emilyleschber It must have been taken out of contact

[Toast @MaggieToast]

Yup this shits still banger

[Toast @MaggieToast]

Insta being down during my lunch break might be wut gets me back into twitter

[Chicks in the Office @ChicksInTheOff]

Reaction to The Bachelor Hometowns: Cutting Stems https://t.co/3CoUVDKw1N

[Toast @MaggieToast]

I hope the note is from charity #TheBachelor

[bill wurtz @billwurtz]

in driving school they never teach you how to build a road

[bill wurtz @billwurtz]

there's no button to end the world. there's only a button to start it. but most people are afraid to press it

[bill wurtz @billwurtz]

everything keeps going in and out of shambles

[bill wurtz @billwurtz]

i thought of a good hiding place for non-trash: in the trash

[bill wurtz @billwurtz]

i love current events. for halloween i'm dressing up as a current event

[bill wurtz @billwurtz]

the best poker players will never even admit they're playing the game

[bill wurtz @billwurtz]

(telling the truth) i understand popcorn

[bill wurtz @billwurtz]

i like to role play as 2 rival philosophers

[bill wurtz @billwurtz]

some stories have a surprise beginning

[bill wurtz @billwurtz]

thinking about relocating the ground into the sky

[bill wurtz @billwurtz]

i think left and right may be backwards, but that's none of my business

[bill wurtz @billwurtz]

i wrote down what year it is

[bill wurtz @billwurtz]

today's challenge: make a non-waffle, using only a waffle maker

[bill wurtz @billwurtz]

thanks to autocorrect, now everything in the world is correct

[bill wurtz @billwurtz]

no two socks are alike