Martha Reide

Normal people are popular in real life. Obsessive people are popular on Twitter.

[Martha Reide @MarthaReide]

how do people do their homework immediately after they get home? i need at least 3 hours before i can even think about touching my backpack

[Martha Reide @MarthaReide]

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

[Martha Reide @MarthaReide]

"Babe, is it in?" "Yeah" "Is it hurting?" "Mmhmm" "Let me try to put it in slowly" "Ouch, it still hurts!" "Ok, let's try another shoe size

[Martha Reide @MarthaReide]

Relax. If you didn't want me knocking it over, why the hell did you write "tip jar" on it? Just for that, I'm taking my 15 cents back.

[Martha Reide @MarthaReide]

I'm going to name my first kid Authorized Personnel so they can go wherever they want in life.

[Martha Reide @MarthaReide]

That was insensitive. I asked you to stop being stupid without considering how incredibly difficult that must be for you.

[Martha Reide @MarthaReide]

Someone who really loves you sees what a mess you can be, how moody you can get, how hard you are to handle & still wants you in their life.

[Martha Reide @MarthaReide]

"Example is not the main thing in influencing others, it is the only thing." - Albert Schweitzer

[Martha Reide @MarthaReide]

When Tom Cruise is driving, he says "Now in Cruise Control!" with this stupid smirk on his face even when there's no one else in the car.

[Martha Reide @MarthaReide]

"While we are postponing, life speeds by." - Seneca"

[Martha Reide @MarthaReide]

I've changed the lock on my heart.. So stick the old key up your ass.

[Martha Reide @MarthaReide]

If a bro works out but doesn't see himself in a mirror, does the bro really work out?

[Martha Reide @MarthaReide]

"In the long run, men only hit what they aim at." Henry David Thoreau

[Martha Reide @MarthaReide]

Sex with the ex, Not really, but after 30 minutes on the phone with her I feel like I got fucked

[Martha Reide @MarthaReide]

Help free the reindeer from sleighvery.

[Martha Reide @MarthaReide]

My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick�s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.

[Martha Reide @MarthaReide]

Why doesn't the NAACP do anything about how shitty black jelly beans are?

[Martha Reide @MarthaReide]

I've asked a question, ignored the answer and been too ashamed to ask again, way more times than I'd like to admit.

[Martha Reide @MarthaReide]

"When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too." - Paulo Coelho

[Martha Reide @MarthaReide]

Respect is earned, honesty is appreciated, love is gained and loyalty is returned.