Things Matson Says™

This is a sarcasm free zone.

[Things Matson Says™ @MatsonSays]

When you're a nerd, everything is running.

[Things Matson Says™ @MatsonSays]

(S): Did you know they're making a movie about Cocaine Bear?
(M): Please tell me it's the next Paddington movie. Paddington 3: Cocaine Bear.

[Things Matson Says™ @MatsonSays]

(S): Can you light this bunsen burner?
(M): I'll light your fire. In a professional way.

[Things Matson Says™ @MatsonSays]

How many of your other teachers teach so hard that they sweat this much?

[Things Matson Says™ @MatsonSays]

My watch continues to taunt me. It always tells me "great workout," after I write on the board for a few minutes. Now it's decided that a few minutes of panic is also a "great workout."

[Things Matson Says™ @MatsonSays]

I love you - to death. In a professional way.

[Things Matson Says™ @MatsonSays]

You're one of the nicest people I know. I told your friends that you're so nice, it seems impossible that anyone wouldn't like you. They told me there's ONE person. I need to find that person because they're the only one who might understand my rage right now.

[Things Matson Says™ @MatsonSays]

This stuff is hard. I know you're frustrated, but I know you can handle it. So when you go home tonight to complain about me, make sure to tell your parents, "Mr. Matson is such an asshole because he believes in me."

[Things Matson Says™ @MatsonSays]

(S): Can I borrow your scissors?
(M): Yes, but you have to promise not to stab anyone. (S): Why?
(M): My fingerprints are on it.
(S): No, why would I stab someone?
(M): Look, that's obviously not my main concern here.

[Things Matson Says™ @MatsonSays]

(S): You learn something new every day!
(M): Not me. I'm getting dumber. I unlearn something old every day.

[Things Matson Says™ @MatsonSays]

Watch out in this problem. It doesn't have a trap. It has a hurdle. Not a hurdle like you (name). You're more of a millstone. Around my neck.

[Things Matson Says™ @MatsonSays]

(S): You made my list of top ten teachers this year.
(M): You only have eight teachers.
(S): Exactly!

[Things Matson Says™ @MatsonSays]

If you're wondering what the holdup is, I'm busy with my other full time job - Logging in.

[Things Matson Says™ @MatsonSays]

I just realized that SF2 is FFS.

[Things Matson Says™ @MatsonSays]

If this keeps up, I may need to do some emotional support punching.

[Things Matson Says™ @MatsonSays]

M (toward peer tutors): you can hide my sword to keep me from falling on it

[Things Matson Says™ @MatsonSays]

Stop that. I'm being creepy in a professional way. You're just being creepy.

[Things Matson Says™ @MatsonSays]

S: So you collect old cars and belt buckles? What else do you collect.

M: It doesn't matter. After two or three collections, let's just call it what it is- hoarding.

[Things Matson Says™ @MatsonSays]

If I do that, it would be impressive, but as usual, no one would be impressed.

[Things Matson Says™ @MatsonSays]

(entropy) Don't worry, the universe loves you. To death. Because you ruin everything.