Shoe Goo

More fartsy than artsy.

[Shoe Goo @MattShoewalter]

Shouting “Don’t worry, I’m vaccinated” before sitting on the display toilet at Home Depot.

[Shoe Goo @MattShoewalter]

@CFBHome How old is that? Old enough!

[Shoe Goo @MattShoewalter]

So you’ve never met Indiana Jones’ meth-head brother, Ohio Jones?

[Shoe Goo @MattShoewalter]

Atlantic City is just a state fair with casinos

[Shoe Goo @MattShoewalter]

“What’s a fella like you doing in a place like this?” I say to my boss in the 5th floor bathroom

[Shoe Goo @MattShoewalter]

*Watching Chimp Empire

The stars! They’re just like us!

[Shoe Goo @MattShoewalter]

Old Red Bull commercials are hilarious. Is it cocaine? Liquid Viagra? Who knows! A wiener dog with wings is about to fuck

[Shoe Goo @MattShoewalter]

Since I got married, my life is pouring larger jugs of soap into smaller, pumpable containers

[Shoe Goo @MattShoewalter]

Melting down all the little Allen wrenches I’ve accumulated over the years into one giant mega wrench

[Shoe Goo @MattShoewalter]

Just Deez Nuts’d my wife so good she’s filing for divorce

[Shoe Goo @MattShoewalter]

Sexual Congress implies the existence of a Horny Senate

[Shoe Goo @MattShoewalter]

People who deliver bad news by leading with “I hate to be that person, but…” clearly love being that person.

[Shoe Goo @MattShoewalter]

When someone says behoove, I immediately picture a cow having its hooves cut off for committing a crime

[Shoe Goo @MattShoewalter]

Amtrak: Giving you swamp ass since 1971.

[Shoe Goo @MattShoewalter]

RELEASE PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL’S TAX RETURNS

[Shoe Goo @MattShoewalter]

Toast: Boring, dry, one is plenty.

Twice-baked bread: Fancy, intriguing, please sir may I have some more.

[Shoe Goo @MattShoewalter]

Miss Mullins is the man

[Shoe Goo @MattShoewalter]

@hotdogdynamite This time, it's personal.

[Shoe Goo @MattShoewalter]

@adriankoenigs 80% of dads also want to bone Costner

[Shoe Goo @MattShoewalter]

The chokehold Yellowstone has on all our mothers is so gross. Like we get it, you’re horny for Kevin Costner, but you don’t need to make it your whole personality, Mom!

[Shoe Goo @MattShoewalter]

Lotion: Not even once.

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