Max Matthews

I play some drums. I'm also a capable distractee. My producitivity is always on par with phone's battery gauge.

[Max Matthews @MaxMatTweetish]

If I'm asking you which of your children you love the most, it's because you have a pinned tweet.

[Max Matthews @MaxMatTweetish]

We get it. You have a small penis.

[Max Matthews @MaxMatTweetish]

[visually impaired Secret Service agent yells into sleeve]

Head shot! Sniper at four o'clock!

[Max Matthews @MaxMatTweetish]

So Jesus went zombie after three days?

[Max Matthews @MaxMatTweetish]

First rule of absent-minded club is I like cheese. Seriously, on almost anything.

[Max Matthews @MaxMatTweetish]

At what point in life does it become increasingly easy to get away with saying inappropriate things? It's been a downward slope so far.

[Max Matthews @MaxMatTweetish]

In this neighborhood we show our ass kicking shoes. Stay out or be out.

[Max Matthews @MaxMatTweetish]

So what exactly is life short enough for?

[Max Matthews @MaxMatTweetish]

I'm gonna call you... Ukraine.

[jonny sun @jonnysun]

twitter is basicaly a algorithm that produces humanity's best thoughts

[Max Matthews @MaxMatTweetish]

Keeping a diet up would be easier if super foods didn't always lose to super villain foods.

[Max Matthews @MaxMatTweetish]

You make the call. I'm just not that fussy about what kind of bread goes under my cheese.

[Max Matthews @MaxMatTweetish]

Don't be upset now, but you should know I've faked every single sarcasm. It's not you, it's me.

[Max Matthews @MaxMatTweetish]

Deinfe "obsolete".

[Max Matthews @MaxMatTweetish]

Alien enthusiasts never tell you what's in the first 50 areas. Trust no one.

[Max Matthews @MaxMatTweetish]

*shrugs*

Sure, I'd sell it too.

[Max Matthews @MaxMatTweetish]

I'm just not sure but give me your eye contact details and I'll think about it.

[Max Matthews @MaxMatTweetish]

Is there a green button somewhere?

[Max Matthews @MaxMatTweetish]

When you're all pooped after a long knight shift.

[Max Matthews @MaxMatTweetish]

This means you should get to drive when you're three, right?