Mayor of Branson, Missouri

Satire.

[Mayor of Branson, Missouri @MayorOfBranson]

Does Branson hate poor people?

Of course not.

That's why we try to create so many of them by importing third-world labor to keep local wages suppressed and job openings scarce.

[Mayor of Branson, Missouri @MayorOfBranson]

Branson aldermen talk the talk and they walk the walk.

They bark in my defense, and though I make it appear like they are leading me, they always happen to be headed in the exact same direction as I want them to go.

[Mayor of Branson, Missouri @MayorOfBranson]

I'd be great on stilts. You know, if I weren't in a wheelchair.

[Retell Sales @RetellSales]

@MayorOfBranson How are your stilt skills?

[Mayor of Branson, Missouri @MayorOfBranson]

If the former mayor of Branson doesn't like the way I run this town, she should just MOVE.

Beat it.

Scram.

Get out of here.

That also goes for the rest of you ungrateful VOTERS.

[Mayor of Branson, Missouri @MayorOfBranson]

Soon you will be able to live in subsidized housing on Martin Luther King Jr. BLVD in Kansas City, and a bus will pick you up and drive you to Branson to work and then take you home again. It's only a cozy 200-mile commute—one way.

[Mayor of Branson, Missouri @MayorOfBranson]

OK, Branson, you asked for affordable housing and public transportation—and I am delivering on both.

[Mayor of Branson, Missouri @MayorOfBranson]

I'd like to see Loretta Blackwell leave a review for Branson, Missouri

[Mayor of Branson, Missouri @MayorOfBranson]

THIS is the kind of place I’d eat.

I mean, now that it’s abandoned and all the food I find laying around will be FREE, while I scavenge for my dinner like a rat.

[Jarod Kintz @JarodKintz1]

Hulk Hogan is dead.

Long live Pastamania!

[Mayor of Branson, Missouri @MayorOfBranson]

As The Mayor of Branson, I know how to make money.

I'm currently selling a course called: How to keep local wages suppressed and your town impoverished to increase your own personal power.

[Katie Appleseed 🌱 @katieappleseed7]

@JarodKintz1 @MayorOfBranson It's the only thing worth voting for

[Mayor of Branson, Missouri @MayorOfBranson]

The MAGA body is the peak male form. It's why every House of Slop in Branson stays in business.

[Mayor of Branson, Missouri @MayorOfBranson]

As Mayor of Branson, these are the kinds of authentic and empathetic posters I'm going to make for all the locals who will be out of a job once this town reaches its goal of 100% foreign-labor employment.

[Mayor of Branson, Missouri @MayorOfBranson]

@JarodKintz1 @ChiefNiftyswell @SDCAttractions Branson loves our imported foreign workers! They do the jobs locals are too lazy and stupid to do and we are fortunate to have them in town.

[Mayor of Branson, Missouri @MayorOfBranson]

I heard there is a magician's theater here in town that is losing money every month at an alarming rate.

That's an easy fix.

Fire all the local employees, and fully staff the business with imported third-world labor at slave wages.

Get rid of lazy and stupid and go cheap.

[Mayor of Branson, Missouri @MayorOfBranson]

Traffic in Branson has one specific source.

It’s always geriatrics from Kansas who drive thirty miles per hour under the speed limit.

[Jarod Kintz @JarodKintz1]

Together with the @MayorOfBranson, I'm now selling BransonCoin. While these tokens don't equate to actual ownership in the city itself, & the investment may be worthless, it's important to remember that zero is kind of imaginary, so BransonCoin is worthy of fake money (dollars).

[Mayor of Branson, Missouri @MayorOfBranson]

There's only one thing to do for the guilty party:

[Jarod Kintz @JarodKintz1]

Do I need to call my attorney?

Because @ChuckyDinkles graduated from the prestigious Florida Coastal School of Law.

[Mayor of Branson, Missouri @MayorOfBranson]

I'm sad to report a theft at Pointe Royale.

Somebody stole the basketball hoop crank, meaning the rim can no longer be adjusted in height.

The following list of suspects is thorough, occurring in descending order of probability:

1. Jarod Kintz.

That's the complete list.

[Mayor of Branson, Missouri @MayorOfBranson]

@WallStreetMav I’m glad Microsoft fired Americans so they could hire cheap foreign labor.

Likewise, when @SDCAttractions and @BigCedarLodge hire workers from places like Jamaica, they not only suppress local wages, but also reduce Branson employment, and I think that’s patriotic.

[Mayor of Branson, Missouri @MayorOfBranson]

People might think Branson is a military cuck town.

On this 4th of July, I'm proudly sitting in the chair next to the hotel bed and listening to Lee Greenwood's God Bless The USA on repeat while I watch other men rail my wife.