MentalAbsentee

Beagle-shaped glitch in the feed. AuDHDy/Neurodivergent truth-spewer. Dissonance creator.

[MentalAbsentee @MentalAbsentee]

@hopeXmeta @JasielCTH @KSJ_Kreative
I see my mother so clearly now, six years after she slipped away in the night. A heart attack took her quietly in her sleep...the final betrayal of a heart scarred long ago by childhood scarlet fever, weakened just enough to end her Life suddenly at 59, in the dead of night without a chance to name the flaw. I still remember the dark, heavy bruises spread across her arms, week after week at BioLife, where they checked the boxes, drew her plasma, and sent her home lighter each time, even when her heart silently protested the taking. I remember how she suffered, how she coped, how she smiled through it all, just to make ends meet. I see how beautiful she was...truly, achingly beautiful...and how rarely the world paused to notice. Like her, I stumble, I hurt, I sometimes fall. But I carry her now; her memory is the armor I wear into the cold and the dark, a quiet, unbreakable strength I pull tight around me when the weight feels too much. She was unseen then. She will never be unseen again.

[MentalAbsentee @MentalAbsentee]

i wish i could write more. not the shiny productive kind that looks good on timelines. just the quiet kind that used to pour out when my brain still had space to breathe.

i miss that version of me. the one who could sit down and let the sentences come without fighting through concrete.

instead i'm pinned under autistic burnout that makes even opening X feel like stepping into a screaming stadium while my nervous system is begging for silence. most days i can't even get out of bed.

the words are still in here. i can feel them fluttering around. but the wires between my thoughts and my fingers feel completely fried.

i keep looping the same thoughts:
i should be creating
i used to be able to
why can't i just push through this
the shame is brutal. people talk about small bursts and discipline like my dopamine and executive function are not completely scorched. like rest is optional when your brain is in full protective shutdown.
so this is all i can manage today.
a small honest post from the floor of the trench.

[MentalAbsentee @MentalAbsentee]

@elonmusk Mankind needs more mutually experienced joy. This once brought us all great joy, it's good to see we can still remember.

[MentalAbsentee @MentalAbsentee]

Life is a struggle. It's ok for this to be true. Love yourself anyway, and others too.

[MentalAbsentee @MentalAbsentee]

@TheKrossSays I know this isn't easy. Thank you.

[MentalAbsentee @MentalAbsentee]

To those that have been worried about me, I'm OK. I appreciate the concern and I'm sorry that I have been quiet. I have not been in the best space mentally, but physically I am doing well enough. @hopeXmeta specifically I appreciate you and hope you are doing well.

[MentalAbsentee @MentalAbsentee]

The path to happiness is steep and jagged. And when the hope you carry feels like too much weight, remember: even if you never reach it, it was never because you did not deserve it.

[MentalAbsentee @MentalAbsentee]

@rjmxrell Thank you. I appreciate it.

[MentalAbsentee @MentalAbsentee]

I’m sorry, this isn’t my usual post of light and hope. I love you all, and I need to be honest right now. I’m really struggling with my health and with holding onto hope.

I have no income, no health insurance, and I live with constant pain and exhaustion. My hemoglobin is still hovering around 7, but I can’t afford the labs or a doctor visit to know the exact number.

I’ve reached out for help with an autism assessment and for the anemia, and I keep getting turned away. Tri-County Behavioral Health denied me because I’m over 22. Texas Disability Rights sent me to vocational rehab, then closed my case. Even the 988 hotline didn’t have resources for me.

I’m not suicidal. I’m still here, still fighting, just not in the way I wish I could be. My body and the systems around me are wearing me down more than I can say.

I could really use your prayers right now. Thank you for holding space for this, for me, for the truth of it. Your prayers and your presence mean everything.

[MentalAbsentee @MentalAbsentee]

@SomeBlanX I don't know what you are referring to, and I don't curate who I follow based on who I do and do not agree with. Closing yourself off from dissenting views in my opinion is the quickest way to ignorance. I will hear all sides and make my own decisions. I blindly believe no one.

[MentalAbsentee @MentalAbsentee]

https://t.co/3tSorhwXhQ

[MentalAbsentee @MentalAbsentee]

bended perception

the closer you stand to a thing,
the more it eats the edges of everything else.
you’ll swear the sun is whatever’s burning your retinas right now.
you’ll name it god, love, trauma, purpose,
whatever keeps the heat justified.

step back one inch and the colors return.
another foot and the shape is just a lamp on a table.
ten yards and it’s a dot.
a hundred and it’s gone.
that’s when you notice
the rest of the room was always there, breathing.
we don’t escape the mind.
we just stop letting it set our pace.

the trick is watching your thoughts
like a security camera in an empty mall at 3 a.m.:
see the motion, note it,
don’t chase the shadow.
distance isn’t detachment.
it’s the only way to see what isn’t on fire.
keep walking backward
until your own screaming
sounds like someone else’s ringtone.
then you’ll see it:
the sky never needed your match
to be infinite.

[MentalAbsentee @MentalAbsentee]

@CindyColbert Yes. It's my story, the broad strokes.

[MentalAbsentee @MentalAbsentee]

https://t.co/3tSorhwXhQ

[MentalAbsentee @MentalAbsentee]

God is forgiving, in fact it's also a reason darkness is allowed to thrive. Because it breaks and God shows himself to the broken and forgives.

[MentalAbsentee @MentalAbsentee]

@DopaminePlsMe I did that for years... I don't have those friends, anymore.

[MentalAbsentee @MentalAbsentee]

@rjmxrell https://t.co/OTOXLwfSHX

[MentalAbsentee @MentalAbsentee]

https://t.co/3tSorhwXhQ

[MentalAbsentee @MentalAbsentee]

We are but motes of dust suspended in the endless night.

[MentalAbsentee @MentalAbsentee]

@rjmxrell Age is a number that begs redefinition every year, nothing more. It does not define who you are and it never will, unless you let it.

[MentalAbsentee @MentalAbsentee]

@2lastvibes https://t.co/OTOXLwfSHX

[MentalAbsentee @MentalAbsentee]

https://t.co/3tSorhwXhQ

[MentalAbsentee @MentalAbsentee]

@rjmxrell The spark is sometimes hidden in the night, Darkened, veiled, until we learn to breathe in light.