Michael Ryan

Hi my name is Michael and welcome to my last bastion of social media that hasn't been invaded by family members or former students

[Michael Ryan @MichaelRyan298]

Kinda shitty my parents wouldn't take me seriously about my arm problems until a baseball player on their favorite team started having the same issue as me

[Michael Ryan @MichaelRyan298]

Weed stickier than Max Scherzer's hands

[Michael Ryan @MichaelRyan298]

@BRITT4INE This sounds like it could be a King Krule song

[Michael Ryan @MichaelRyan298]

If I had a nickel every time one of my exes moved to Missouri I'd have two nickels, which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice

[Michael Ryan @MichaelRyan298]

Kinda wild seeing the fathers day posts over the years go from thanking your dad to recognizing yourself/your significant other for actually being a dad

[Michael Ryan @MichaelRyan298]

Happy One Year Anniversary to me fucking up my knee on a skateboard, probably should have gotten it looked at cause uhhh it still looks kinda bad a whole year later

[Michael Ryan @MichaelRyan298]

Spotify's algorithm today has given me 3 or 4 songs directly about, or containing cringey lyrics about, Doritos and Fritos and/or Cheetos

[Michael Ryan @MichaelRyan298]

Wake up babe new tyrannosaurus just dropped

[Reuters Science News @ReutersScience]

A group of researchers is proposing that Tyrannosaurus, the most famous of all dinosaurs and the ultimate apex predator, actually includes three species and not just the single T. rex, based on thighbone and tooth variations among dozens of its fossils. https://t.co/9qHXa0Uc9K

[Michael Ryan @MichaelRyan298]

Pretty sure my phone has been listening in on my ugly crying based on the amount of betterhelp ads I now keep getting

[Michael Ryan @MichaelRyan298]

My Giant bill came out to an even $16 and they had the AUDACITY to ask me if I wanted to round up an entire dollar to charity

[Michael Ryan @MichaelRyan298]

@liamdellamonica Oh god no but now I'm scared

[Michael Ryan @MichaelRyan298]

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to everyone except the guy on 12th and Laurel Blvd. with the giant flaming QAnon banner on the side of his house

[Michael Ryan @MichaelRyan298]

Been searching all over creation for 10 lords a-leaping to give to my true love but haven been able to find any in stores, damn supply chain

[Michael Ryan @MichaelRyan298]

Pretty sure I spent around 8 hours unknowingly huffing trace amounts of carbon monoxide today so hope everyone's Monday is going better than mine

[Michael Ryan @MichaelRyan298]

One of the unexpected downsides to living alone is not having anyone around to call your phone when you lose it

[Michael Ryan @MichaelRyan298]

Vatican City should send athletes to the Olympic games, I wanna see some wrinkly old bishops try to do gymnastics or something

[Michael Ryan @MichaelRyan298]

I had totally forgotten I saw twenty one pilots way back in 2012 at a place that's now a Mexican restaurant, but it's about 5 years too late to really flex about it

[Michael Ryan @MichaelRyan298]

Ahh yes Gustav Åhr, my favorite 21st century composer

[Michael Ryan @MichaelRyan298]

I haven't used a single sick day since the start of the pandemic in case I end up needing them for the rona, so you best believe when I get a vaccine I'm milking that muscle pain and general fatigue as much as I can